DIHBSG chapter 5

Song Jian had just learned how to jump over walls without getting hurt when he received the imperial decree telling him to go stand watch.

Squatting on top of the wall like a monkey, he asked in disbelief, “Wasn’t it three days? How are you even deducting holidays?”

The young eunuch said kindly, “This is His Majesty’s decree. This lowly one is only responsible for delivering the message. Lord Song, please come down quickly to receive the decree.”

Even pyramid schemes give you time for training before starting work.

Song Jian grumbled inwardly, but still honestly jumped down.

“This subordinate obeys the decree.”

The young eunuch let out a sigh of relief and smiled. “Then Lord Song, please carry on. This lowly one will return to report.”

Song Jian copied a line from TV dramas. “Take care on your way, Eunuch. Come have some tea next time.”

“You are too courteous, my lord.”

After the young eunuch left, Song Jian no longer had the mood to continue practicing jumping over walls. He turned and walked back. As soon as he stepped onto the corridor, Chang Ying hung upside down in front of him.

Crossing his arms, he swayed back and forth. “My lord, you’re going tomorrow night. Can you do it?”

Song Jian held up one index finger. “A man can’t say he can’t.”

Chang Ying changed his wording. “Then are you ready?”

Song Jian: “Ready at all times.” My ass.

He only knew how to jump over walls.

But with time so tight, there was nothing he could do. He had chosen this job himself, so he had to bear it himself.

That evening, Song Jian casually ate a few bites before going back to sleep. Chang Ying had told him that His Majesty usually returned to the palace around the hour of Hai¹Hour of Hai (亥时) :9:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m.. He had to arrive beforehand and couldn’t disturb the Son of Heaven’s rest.

For his first overnight shift to go smoothly, Song Jian decided to sleep straight through until tomorrow, before the hour of Hai.

He refused to believe it.

Burying his head, Song Jian forced himself to fall asleep.

The good news was that he fell asleep quickly. The bad news was that before dawn the next day, he woke up. Staring at the sky outside as it was just beginning to brighten, Song Jian was so angry he wanted to punch himself unconscious.

What kind of damned retiree schedule was this? It was all because he’d been so hungry the day before yesterday that he’d woken up so early, forcefully adjusting his sleep schedule.

Song Jian tried to bury his head and go back to sleep, but no matter what he couldn’t fall asleep. After staring blankly until the sun was high in the sky, he simply got up and headed to the dining hall.

The Tiancha Division’s dining hall was somewhat like the inns in Song Jian’s impression. It had a kitchen, a front counter, and a main hall. Many wooden tables and chairs were arranged in the hall, though there weren’t many people.

Leaning against the front counter, Song Jian watched the cook busy preparing lunch and said, “Master, can you leave me some extra eggs and sesame flatbread for lunch?”

Without even looking up, the cook said, “How much should I leave?”

Song Jian thought for a moment. “Enough for one night first.”

The cook: “?”

Song Jian added, “Pack it up so I can take it away. It’d be best if you could also pack some pickled vegetables.”

With the tone of a warrior leaving never to return, he made even the cook unable to resist lifting the curtain and poking his head out. “Lord Song, bring some water too, or you’ll choke.”

Song Jian: “…”

He really had gotten a taste of the hardships of life.

That evening, Song Jian went to the dining hall to collect his overnight dry rations. Standing there, he stuffed one sesame flatbread after another into his clothes, then tucked the eggs in after them. Finally, he hung a flask of water from his waist.

Before leaving, he ran into Seventeen and Eighteen, who had just returned from outside the palace. They had brought him pastries from Bafuju. Carrying the oil-paper package, Song Jian cupped his fists like a wandering martial artist. “Thanks, brothers.”

Seventeen: “.”

Eighteen: “..”

Song Jian set off from the Tiancha Division during the hour of You²Hour of You (酉时): 5:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m.. Don’t ask why. If the King of Hell told him to die at the third watch, he’d go at the second watch, just to leave a good impression on his boss.

The only regrettable thing was that the pastries Seventeen and Eighteen bought were too delicious. By the time he reached the entrance of Yanning Palace, he had already finished them.

Song Jian folded up the oil paper, stuffed it into his pocket, patted off his hands, and walked inside.

Along the way, quite a few handsome young eunuchs saluted him.

“Lord Song.”

“Lord Song has come.”

“Lord Song is so early.”

Song Jian nodded, putting on an act. “I’m loosening my muscles. Don’t mind me.”

Only after no one was paying attention to him did he slip into the hall.

Yesterday he had only wandered around outside Yanning Palace and still didn’t know its internal layout. He had to familiarize himself with it before anyone came, and he also had to find the perfect hiding place.

The bedchamber was now extremely quiet. The dim yellow candlelight flickered silently.

Song Jian walked around a golden lacquer screen carved with dragons and looked up at one of the beams overhead.

It was probably the main load-bearing beam. Looking at it now, it seemed quite spacious on top. There should be enough room for him to stretch out his arms and legs.

Song Jian looked around again and barely worked out a safe route to climb onto the beam. Patting the sesame flatbreads and eggs stuffed into his clothes, he eyed the chair, table, and cabinet beside him. One step, one jump, and both hands hooked onto the beam.

Climb.

Climb climb climb.

Climb climb climb climb climb climb.

Song Jian: “Why’s it so slippery, damn damn damn damn damn!”

Clinging to the beam, his legs swung helplessly in the air as he struggled. Only after exhausting every ounce of strength did he finally manage to climb up.

Sitting on the beam, he let out a long breath, his head covered in sweat.

After resting for about the time it took to burn a quarter of an incense stick, Song Jian stuck up his butt and crawled forward on his hands and knees again.

Ahead was a very thick pillar with a gap beside it. He could hide in that corner for the entire night.

Grasping the protrusions on top of the beam with difficulty, Song Jian visually estimated the distance between himself and the gap.

He should be able to make the jump.

One.

Two.

Three!

Now or never!

Song Jian launched himself from where he stood. Two seconds later, with a bang, he landed right in the middle of the gap.

This was the only place with pillars on both sides and something behind him to lean against. When sleeping at night, he wouldn’t have to worry about falling off.

Song Jian sat down cross-legged and began checking the dry rations in his clothes. One egg had cracked, but it wasn’t a big problem. Song Jian took it out and ate it on the spot. After finishing it, he drank two mouthfuls of water before the choking sensation eased.

He thumped his chest, put away the water flask, and became quiet.

There were no wristwatches in ancient times, and Song Jian didn’t know how to judge the time. He could only sit quietly in the gap and wait.

He had never seen how the other shadow guards stood watch anyway. They were probably just sitting here watching the Emperor sleep, Song Jian thought.

Resting his cheek in his hand with a vacant expression, he was so bored that he started making up little skits in his head.

After who knew how long, his damned retiree’s sleep schedule kicked in again. Song Jian yawned drowsily.

So sleepy.

Why isn’t he back yet?

Song Jian wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes. “==.”

He wondered whether the workhorses of ancient times or the workhorses of modern times would have greater resentment if they were put together.

Just before Song Jian was about to completely lose consciousness, movement finally came from outside the hall.

Gong Defu’s shrill voice rang out.

“His Majesty returns to the palace—”

Song Jian jolted upright. Before long, the palace doors were pushed open from outside, and the tall figure of a man in black casual robes walked in.

Gong Defu followed closely behind him.

“Your Majesty, some days ago Lord Yu from Jianghuai Road presented a batch of top-grade immortal tea as tribute. It has a lingering sweetness upon entering the mouth and endless aftertaste, and also has the effect of calming the mind and aiding sleep. This old servant had Imperial Physician Mao combine it with other medicinal ingredients to make a calming decoction. Please bathe first, and this old servant will have someone bring it over shortly.”

Xiao Yinghuai pressed his temple. “Understood.”

Gong Defu said, “This old servant will have them attend to Your Majesty—”

Xiao Yinghuai frowned slightly, somewhat impatient. “No need. Leave.”

Gong Defu paused before answering, “Yes,” then bowed and withdrew.

A short while later, people came in to change the hot water in the bath barrel. After several trips back and forth, steam began curling up behind the dragon-carved screen.

The man’s gaze remained fixed ahead as he walked, casually reaching up to untie his sash. Within a few steps, a broad, well-built male back with smooth, defined muscles came into view before Song Jian’s eyes.

He stared dumbfounded, his throat tightening. No wonder the other day he had nearly strangled him to death with one hand. With that physique, if someone said one punch could send him to meet the King of Hell, Song Jian would believe it.

The man’s figure quickly disappeared behind the screen. Song Jian obediently shuffled back a little and timidly recited inwardly, “Look not upon what is improper.”

After Xiao Yinghuai finished bathing, he changed into a loose, plain robe. His damp hair was half draped over his shoulders. Sitting down at the table, he read memorials for a while longer.

Not long afterward, Gong Defu came in carrying the medicinal tea.

“Your Majesty, you should rest earlier. Please take care of your imperial health.”

Xiao Yinghuai accepted the cup, took a light sip, and answered faintly, “Mm.”

Knowing that his old mouth couldn’t persuade this young Emperor, Gong Defu turned to light some calming incense before quietly leaving.

Whether the incense calmed the diligent Emperor or not was unknown, but Song Jian’s eyelids had already begun fighting each other.

He yawned one after another.

Reason told him he couldn’t sleep yet because the Emperor hadn’t gone to bed.

But he was simply too sleepy.

Honestly, there were times when he wanted to get down on his knees and beg himself not to doze off… only to realize he could still doze off while kneeling.

Song Jian: “zZZZZ…”

“Song Jian.”

Song Jian suddenly jolted forward. “Hm? Hm?”

Who? Who called me?

Pretending to remain calm, he blinked several times. Turning his gaze, he saw that the man below, who had been reading memorials just moments ago, was now looking up at him. His gaze was indifferent and cold, without much emotional fluctuation.

Song Jian coughed and quickly answered, “This subordinate is here.”

Xiao Yinghuai: “Come down.”

Song Jian: “?”

He didn’t move. After staring blankly for a moment, he opened his mouth and asked, “What?”

Xiao Yinghuai set down the brush in his hand and leaned back in his chair. His slender fingers slowly tapped against the rosewood chair with openwork carvings.

“Since when was it your turn to question me?”

“Don’t make me say it a second time.”

Song Jian swallowed, shifted one step, and the moment he stood up, his vision suddenly went black. Frightened, he immediately plopped back down.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Was it this high when I climbed up just now?

Hugging the pillar, he anxiously scratched his butt. “Your Majesty, please wait. I’ll come down immediately.”

Xiao Yinghuai watched the person above with composed leisure.

Song Jian planned to jump back from this little gap, but only now did he realize that jumping over had been easy, while jumping back was difficult. There was a height difference between the two sides.

But if he didn’t jump back, then with his half-baked qinggong, there was simply no way down.

The only thing he could do was perform dying from a fall on the spot for the Emperor before him.

“…”

How absurd.

The kind of absurd where, after precise mathematical calculations, there were only 0.5 people left on the bus.³A reference to the common joke about poorly designed math word problems that, despite correct calculations, produce impossible answers such as “0.5 person on a bus.”

He was so anxious that sweat beaded on his forehead. No one had told him that standing watch also required climbing up and down. Under that intimidating gaze, he gathered his courage and made a trial jump.

Jump—

Then chickened out at the last second.

Song Jian pitifully shrank back again.

No-er? No-er??

Xiao Yinghuai crossed one leg over the other, appreciating this wonderful pantomime. And while appreciating it, he didn’t forget to add fuel to the fire.

“Does Lord Song have some opinion of me?”

Pressed against the pillar, two streams of noodle-like tears streamed from Song Jian’s fried-egg eyes.

Rather than struggling on at death’s door, it would be better to kneel and beg for mercy.

Trembling, Song Jian stammered, “Your… Your Majesty.”

Xiao Yinghuai: “Hm?”

“So high QAQ… save me.”

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• 1
  Hour of Hai (亥时) :9:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m.
• 2
  Hour of You (酉时): 5:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m.
• 3
  A reference to the common joke about poorly designed math word problems that, despite correct calculations, produce impossible answers such as “0.5 person on a bus.”