Xiao Yinghuai: “…”
He looked at the guard who seemed to be trapped on the beam and unable to get down, then stood up and walked over.
The person curled up high above looked utterly pitiful. Seeing him walk over, he even opened his arms toward him.
What? Did he want him to catch him?
Xiao Yinghuai stood where he was and said lightly, “However you got up there is how you should get down. I shouldn’t need to teach you that.”
Song Jian: “The principle… doesn’t need teaching.”
Xiao Yinghuai raised an eyebrow slightly.
Song Jian swallowed. “Because what one learns from books always feels shallow. To truly understand something, one must practice it personally.”
…
Inside Yanning Palace, there was a deathly silence.
A moment later, Xiao Yinghuai laughed.
So when people were speechless, they really would laugh.
“What Lord Song says is absolutely right.”
However, the smile on his face disappeared in an instant. He turned around and sat back down, saying indifferently, “Then Lord Song may practice it personally. I shall wait and see.”
Song Jian: “?” Huh?
Huh???
He stretched out an Erkang hand*.1“Erkang hand” refers to a famous meme from the TV drama My Fair Princess, in which the character Erkang dramatically reaches one hand forward while calling out to someone. It has become shorthand on the Chinese internet for a desperate, melodramatic plea. “Your Majesty! Your Majesty! No, that’s not what I meant, I’m not the one who should practice it personally.” What I meant was don’t just lecture me on principles, save me!!!
Song Jian leaned forward in agitation, only to step into empty air and slip. He let out a startled scream as he flailed wildly, his body pushed to its limits once again, looking like he was breakdancing in midair. By some miracle, he ended up hanging from the beam.
He squeezed his eyes shut.
His body swayed—
This way—
Then that way—
This way—
Then that way—
He opened his eyes and met the man’s gaze directly.
Song Jian grinned until his mouth looked like a USB-C port, blinking awkwardly.
“Uh, I’m here. What instructions does Your Majesty have…”
The last word had just left his mouth when—
“Crack!”
The egg in Song Jian’s clothes slipped out and smashed onto the floor.
“I…”
“Thud!” The flatbread in Song Jian’s clothes also slipped down.
“Crack!”
“Thud!”
“Crack crack crack!”
Xiao Yinghuai’s gaze shifted to the floor, remaining silent for a long while.
“Song Jian.”
His flatbread!!
“Were you a starving ghost in your previous life?”
His eggs!!!
Song Jian said sorrowfully, “Everyone has the responsibility to cherish food.”
Every bite of food deserved his respect. It was probably related to how he had been brought up.
He quickly jumped down, picked up the flatbread and the shattered eggs from the floor, wiped them off with his hand, then counted them as he stuffed them back into the oil paper tucked inside his clothes.
One…
Two…
Three…
No, two eggs were missing.
Song Jian remembered putting six eggs into his pocket from the dining hall. One had cracked on the way here, and he had eaten it, so there should still be five left now.
Xiao Yinghuai looked at the hesitant person before him. “What is it?”
Song Jian seriously held up a V sign. “Two eggs are missing.”
Xiao Yinghuai: “Missing two won’t make you starve to death.”
After saying that, Xiao Yinghuai remembered how the person before him had almost starved to death before and then drank three bowls of medicine.
Who knew? Maybe he really could starve to death.
He waved his hand. “Find them.”
Song Jian accepted the decree and shyly crawled over. “Your Majesty, I just saw the eggs roll over to your side. Could you lift your foot? I’ll look for them.”
In the blink of an eye, the man had crawled under his desk, lowering his head to search everywhere for the eggs.
“Ah! Here it is!”
The egg had rolled under the purple sandalwood chair. Song Jian darted over with a whoosh and swiftly grabbed the egg.
But from Xiao Yinghuai’s perspective, all he could see was his imperial guard sticking up his butt within arm’s reach.
He lowered his eyes and glanced at it.
The shadow guards of the Tiancha Division all wore black-and-gold uniforms embroidered with three-clawed pythons, silver-patterned bracers on their forearms, and jade-ringed leather belts fastened around their waists.
The uniform had been specially designed by experts from the Ministry of Rites. Every detail had been carefully considered and precisely tailored. As a result, Song Jian’s already slender, toned waist was cinched so tightly that it looked as though it could be encircled with one hand.
Putting everything else aside, Song Jian serving as the Tiancha Division’s public face…
…was worthy of the name.
He withdrew his gaze.
Meanwhile, Song Jian finally found all of his eggs, properly stuffed them back into his clothes, and crawled out.
He knelt on one knee in front, copying what he had seen. “Thank you for Your Majesty’s grace. What instructions does Your Majesty have?”
Xiao Yinghuai had already finished the last sip of calming soup. He set down the tea bowl and closed the memorial. “Nothing. Go back up.”
Song Jian: “…?”
What the hell did you just say? Say that again?
Xiao Yinghuai walked toward the dragon bed. “Keep the noise down. I sleep lightly.”
Song Jian: “(smiles)”
Will you just go already? You’re seriously acting like a weirdo.
A young eunuch entered the Warm Chamber and lowered the curtains layer by layer, then extinguished several candles, leaving Song Jian kneeling there all alone.
Heh.
After the dog emperor fell asleep, Song Jian had to think of a way to climb back up again. But this time, with his previous experience, it wasn’t too difficult. It only took the strength of eight oxen and one tiger.2A parody of the idiom 九牛二虎之力 (“the strength of nine oxen and two tigers”), meaning to use enormous effort. Song Jian jokingly downgrades it to 八牛一虎 (“eight oxen and one tiger”) to imply that it was still a huge struggle, only slightly less so.
The noise shouldn’t have been too loud, right?
Xiao Yinghuai, lying on the bed with his eyes closed: “…”
Forget it.
This time, he’d pretend he hadn’t heard it.
…
However, just after midnight, Xiao Yinghuai was suddenly awakened by a rustling sound.
“Rustle rustle…”
“Crack, crack crack, crack…”
“miamiamiamia…”
Xiao Yinghuai opened his eyes.
After a brief period of silence—
“Hic… hic…”
“Gulp gulp gulp…”
“Hic…”
“Hic…”
Xiao Yinghuai let out a cold laugh and closed his eyes again.
Not long afterward, steady breathing came from outside once more.
Xiao Yinghuai’s internal energy was profound. He absolutely could not have heard wrong—
His personal guard had actually fallen asleep.
Before midnight, it was the sound of eating eggs. After midnight, it was the sound of sleeping.
At a quarter past the second watch, the person on the beam started talking in his sleep.
“You don’t need many boyfriends. Three to five sincere ones are enough…”
“How dare you!”
“Have to submit another screenshot for the Youth Study…”
“miamiamia… delicious…”
By the time dawn arrived, the man had finally fallen completely asleep.
But it was Xiao Yinghuai’s turn to get up and attend court.
Gong Defu quietly entered to help the emperor dress, asking in a low voice with concern, “Did Your Majesty rest well last night?”
Xiao Yinghuai, with dark circles under his eyes, glanced at him.
Gong Defu: “…”
Damn this mouth.
He honestly helped the emperor before him straighten his court robes. “Does Your Majesty think the calming medicinal soup wasn’t effective?”
Xiao Yinghuai put on his beaded crown and tossed out a remark. “There is someone in the capital skilled in ventriloquism.”
Gong Defu: “?”
Xiao Yinghuai called, “Song Jian.”
“zZZZ…”
Seeing there was no response, the emperor wasn’t anxious, but the eunuch was. Gong Defu raised his orchid fingers3“Orchid fingers” is a delicate hand gesture in which the thumb and middle finger touch while the remaining fingers extend gracefully. Traditionally, it symbolizes elegance, refinement, and artistic expression. and hurried over. “Lord Song! Lord Song! Stop sleeping, His Majesty is calling!”
Song Jian was drowsily awakened and poked his head out to take a look.
Gong Defu fussed around in circles, waving his hands so frantically he nearly fanned Song Jian into catching a cold. “Come down quickly, Lord Song.”
Song Jian finally reacted. Yawning while nodding, he followed yesterday’s memory, hopping down little by little until he reached the ground. He didn’t land steadily and staggered.
Xiao Yinghuai had not remained where he was waiting for him. He had already left Yanning Palace. Song Jian looked blankly at Gong Defu.
Gong Defu said, “His Majesty wants you to accompany him to morning court. Hurry.”
Song Jian: “?”
Outside, the sky was still a hazy blue, not yet fully bright. The wind blowing through the corridors was piercingly cold, making him shiver as he followed behind them.
Damn it. Getting up earlier than chickens and sleeping later than dogs—who the hell wants to be emperor?
Fortunately, it was fairly warm inside the Golden Throne Hall. Song Jian wanted to find a corner and continue hiding there, but before he could move, the man spoke.
“Stand here.”
The civil and military officials, who had just finished the ceremony of one bow and three kowtows in the great hall, fell completely silent.
Song Jian froze upright, standing where Gong Defu should originally have been standing.
Damn it, he’d become a eunuch.
The court officials inside the hall began stepping forward one after another to present memorials.
Meanwhile, the other shadow guards of the Tiancha Division who had come to work the morning shift exchanged glances atop the beams.
—Why hasn’t Lord Song gotten off work yet?
—It seems His Majesty won’t let him.
—Did Lord Song get into trouble again?
—Probably.
Song Jian stood there blankly, listening to the civil and military officials chatter below.
Some were impeaching others and filing complaints, some were crying poverty and asking for money, and some were unwell and requesting long leave.
The entire time, Song Jian just went “ababa,” listening until his head swam, only recovering a little after court was dismissed.
Outside the hall, the sky was fully bright. Following behind, Song Jian secretly asked Gong Defu whether he could get off work.
Gong Defu shook his head. “His Majesty must approve it.”
Song Jian looked half-dead. “Oh.”
His footsteps grew slower and slower. By the time they reached Yanning Palace, he had completely fallen behind. A leading young eunuch happened to see him and smiled while saluting.
“Good morning, Lord Song.”
Good morning.
Good? More like a bad morning.
Turning his head, he caught sight of the people from the Imperial Kitchen beginning to serve breakfast like schools of fish. He twitched his nose, nearly dazed by the fragrance.
“Is all this for His Majesty?”
The young eunuch replied, “Replying to Lord Song, yes.”
Song Jian swallowed.
Could one person even finish all that?
Reluctantly, he entered Yanning Palace again and saw the man had already changed out of his court robes and was preparing to eat.
Gong Defu lifted the soup tureen’s lid, and the aroma drifted straight toward Song Jian.
Song Jian’s stomach also cooperated.
“Grrrrowl~~~~~”
Damn this stomach. Did you get my permission before growling on your own!
Xiao Yinghuai lifted his eyes slightly and leisurely took a sip of soup.
Song Jian stood behind him, and his stomach growled again.
Xiao Yinghuai ate a bite of vegetables, and Song Jian let out another “grrrrowl.”
Inside the hall, all that could be heard was a chorus of “grrrrowl.”
After Xiao Yinghuai finished eating and put down his chopsticks, he turned his head and immediately met his personal guard’s fixed stare.
His eyes were shining as he stared at the dishes on the table. Two huge words seemed to be written in his pupils. One was “hungry,” and the other was also “hungry.”
Xiao Yinghuai lowered his brows slightly and said in a deep voice, “Come here.”
Song Jian jolted, finally moving his gaze away from the food, and obediently walked over. “Your Majesty.”
Xiao Yinghuai: “Want to eat?”
Song Jian hesitated.
Beside them, Gong Defu frantically made eye signals. “~ .O”
Xiao Yinghuai: “Tell the truth.”
Song Jian pressed his lips into a tiny parenthesis. “I want to eat.”
Gong Defu wished he could bury his head between his knees.
Heavens above…
Xiao Yinghuai looked toward the place in Song Jian’s clothes where the oil paper was tucked. “But why do I feel that you like eating eggs more?”
Song Jian: “?” Huh? Bro, what are you talking about?
Xiao Yinghuai reached a hand toward his chest. Song Jian’s eyes immediately widened into perfect circles. However, after feeling around for a while, Xiao Yinghuai merely took out his last two eggs.
Took them out, then handed them to him.
“Eat.”
Song Jian: “????”
Did you eat too many raw beans and poison yourself??
Xiao Yinghuai had already stood up, leaving only one sentence behind.
“Come to the Imperial Study at the hour of Si.”4Si (巳时): 9:00 a.m. – 11:00 a.m.
Song Jian stood there in a daze holding two eggs. Gong Defu patted his chest and hurried over in tiny quick steps. “Eat, eat, Lord Song. This whole table was bestowed upon you by His Majesty.”
Song Jian: “Huh?”
Gong Defu, who always accompanied the emperor, said knowingly, “Since His Majesty simply said ‘eat,’ that means all of it has been bestowed upon you. Hurry and eat. Once you’re finished, head to the Imperial Study. His Majesty probably has something he wants to instruct you to do.”
Song Jian fell silent.
Can’t understand it. I’m from the countryside.5This is a parody of a Northeastern Chinese meme: 听不懂嘞，俺农村来嘞. (I don’t understand. I’m from the countryside). It’s used humorously to feign being a simple, unsophisticated person when faced with something confusing or overly refined.
But who would refuse food? He took a bowl from the young eunuch serving dishes, piled it high with food, squatted in a corner, and wolfed it down.
There was no need to say how valuable this bowl of rice was. Song Jian almost cried while eating. It was much tastier than eggs and flatbread.
After leaving Yanning Palace, Song Jian took out the remaining flatbread from his clothes. Since it had rolled around on the ground yesterday and gotten dirt on it, Song Jian wasn’t planning to eat it anymore.
He wandered around for a couple of laps, then turned toward a certain direction.
“Here, here, here!”
A big black dog jumped out of the bushes and happily ran off with the flatbread in its mouth.
Song Jian had already met this dog the day before yesterday while familiarizing himself with the roads. Long Ying had said it spent most of its time around the Tiancha Division. Casually, Song Jian gave it a name.
“Go on, Hei Dashuai!”6Hei Dashuai (黑大帅) literally means: Commander Black
Hei Dashuai: “Woof!”
Only after feeding the dog did Song Jian head to the Imperial Study. Having eaten his fill, he stood to one side waiting to receive orders.
“Grind the ink.”
Song Jian walked over, looked around for a while, then began turning the ink stick in circles.
After grinding it for quite a while—
“Prepare tea.”
Song Jian ran over and poured a cup of tea.
“Prepare fresh paper.”
“Call someone.”
“Go out.”
“Come in.”
Song Jian bustled around like a spinning top. Finally getting a moment to rest, he had barely stood there for long before he started nodding off.
He had eaten too much, slept poorly last night, and the Imperial Study was too quiet.
Song Jian’s head bobbed little by little. He told himself not to sleep, not to sleep. He even thought he hadn’t fallen asleep, until he suddenly opened his eyes.
“…”
Pretending to be completely awake, he stood properly again, not knowing that over the past half hour he had swayed in place six or seven times. The last time, he had drooped so low that he reached the imperial desk. When Xiao Yinghuai reached out for a memorial, he didn’t get it. Instead, he touched a fluffy head.
Heh.
Xiao Yinghuai looked at him.
Song Jian: “==”
He was so sleepy that his eyelids felt as though they had several extra layers.
Xiao Yinghuai: “Song Jian, go investigate exactly what bad things Tang Lai said behind Gao Kaiji’s back. I’ll give you three days. Resolve this matter.”
Song Jian’s mind was muddled.
“Understood.”
“This lowly official will get right on… not doing it.”
Xiao Yinghuai: “?”
_______
*Erkang hand
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