DIHBSG chapter 13

After that day, Song Jian spent the next two days at work (pretending to be) calm and composed.

It had to be said that ever since coming out of the imperial prison, his quality of life had plummeted. He had even lost all the weight he had gained.

He turned into a food worrier. Whenever he had free time, he ran to the dining hall and earnestly told the cook he wanted to eat hot pot.

The cook thought for a moment. “Every year during the winter hunt, the palace makes meat hot pot for several days. Is that the kind of hot pot you’re talking about, my lord?”

Song Jian’s eyes lit up as he nodded frantically. “I love beef hot pot.”

The cook agreed. At noon, a beef hot pot was brought to the table. Song Jian wolfed down two big mouthfuls. It was so delicious he nearly burst into tears.

“Chef, who said your cooking wasn’t good? The broth you made is amazing!”

The cook scratched his head. “Because you lords usually don’t come back very often, I mostly make things like flatbread and steamed buns that keep well. After making those for so long…”

“…the lords came back even less.”

Song Jian patted the cook on the shoulder. “Starting today, I won’t allow anyone to go against you.”

He called Chang Ying, Long Xiao, Seventeen, Eighteen, and the others over. The group sat around the table by the window, cooking slices of meat in the hot pot.

Song Jian: “(Chew chew chew) Hurry and eat, hurry and eat (chew chew chew), Chang Ying, pass me my soul sauce!”

Chang Ying: “Yes, my lord. (Chew chew chew)”

Seventeen: “(Chew chew chew)”

Eighteen: “My lord (chew chew chew), Seventeen wants some too.”

Long Xiao, Song Feng, Wu Chang: “(Chew chew chew)”

Wisps of hot steam drifted out through the window, floated into the courtyard, then drifted out of the Tiancha Division. The other shadow guards had originally planned to casually eat a few bites, but they were lured back by the overwhelming aroma of meat.

Before long, the Tiancha Division’s dining hall was filled with pots of boiling meat.

When Gong Defu arrived, he almost thought he’d come to the wrong place. He looked several times before confirming it, then followed the scent of meat to the dining hall and peeked in from beneath the shade of a tree outside the window with a smile.

“My lords are certainly in good spirits.”

Song Jian had a mouthful of meat stuffed in his cheeks. “#￥%……@#”

Chang Ying immediately stood up. “Eunuch Defu, my lord says you should come in and have some with us.”

Gong Defu said, “Oh my, this old servant won’t go in. This old servant appreciates the thought.”

“The palace banquet will be held soon, won’t it? This old servant was just passing by to let all of you know. During the palace banquet, you must all be extra careful. There can’t be the slightest mistake. The palace’s security these next few days will be hard work for all of you, my lords.”

Long Xiao nodded. “Please rest assured, Eunuch.”

Gong Defu gave a few more casual instructions, didn’t stay long, and soon left.

Instead, Song Jian stopped eating and asked, “What palace banquet?”

Chang Ying said, “The Mid-Autumn Palace Banquet, my lord. It’s also considered His Majesty’s family banquet.”

Song Jian nodded, took another bite, then looked up again.

“Can we attend?”

Chang Ying was stunned by the question.

What exactly did “family banquet” mean again?

Long Xiao picked up the conversation and explained seriously, “Only members of the imperial family may attend the family banquet—for example, His Majesty’s consorts, princes, princesses, the various princes and their families, the Grand Princess, the young commandery princes and princesses, and so on. However, His Majesty has yet to take any consorts, nor does he have any children, so there will be fewer people.”

Song Jian nodded, let out an “Oh,” and slurped up another bite of meat.

After lunch, the Tiancha Division held a meeting. Chang Ying quietly explained the general process to him, and Song Jian nodded seriously to show he remembered it.

He stood in front of the corridor. Having eaten a bit too much, he watched as a shadow guard flew into the open space every second.

A second later, another shadow guard flew in.

Soon, they were standing neatly in two rows, facing each other. Each of them wore black-and-gold robes embroidered with three-clawed pythons, with broad shoulders, narrow waists, and long legs.

Song Jian: “Burp…”

He walked forward two steps and pursed his lips.

Chang Ying stood to his right like the class monitor beside the homeroom teacher. Covering his mouth, he muttered, “My lord, say something!”

Song Jian let out an “Oh,” then a “Hiss,” before turning his head to ask, “How old is His Majesty this year? Why hasn’t he taken any consorts yet?”

Chang Ying: “…”

Long Xiao, Song Feng, Wu Chang, Seventeen, Eighteen: “…”

The other shadow guards: “…”

That delayed reaction could circle Great Yan three times.

Chang Ying leaned over and quickly replied, “Twenty-six.” Then he immediately straightened back into position.

Song Jian thought about it for a while and was about to ask another question when Chang Ying grabbed him.

“My lord! It’s time to talk about the important matter!”

“Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.”

Song Jian straightened up, recovering the imposing manner he had back in fifth grade, when he checked whether everyone was wearing their Young Pioneers scarves properly at the school gate.

“First! I want to emphasize!”

“This is not a drill! This is not a drill! This is not a drill!”

The air froze for two seconds.

“…”

Song Jian continued, “Second, remember that the Mid-Autumn Palace Banquet is His Majesty’s family banquet. We cannot attend.”

“Finally.” Song Jian cleared his throat. “And most importantly, we must coordinate well with our brother department.”

That’s right. This wasn’t solely the Tiancha Division’s responsibility. The Imperial Guards would also be sending more than half their men to patrol the palace that night.

Song Jian rummaged through his robes and pulled out the palace defense map Long Xiao and Chang Ying had given him. Many circles had been drawn on it, marking blind spots in the guards’ coverage around the banquet halls.

With one hand supporting his lower back, he strolled back and forth between the two rows of shadow guards, assigning someone to every blind spot.

Song Jian had no choice but to take the matter seriously, because he didn’t want to be summoned back to receive thirty lashes. Even now, he still had no idea where those lashes were actually carried out.

After the meeting ended, Song Jian stood before the corridor and asked,

“What is the name of our operation this time?”

“Operation Potato and Sweet Potato!”

Song Jian asked again, “And what is our code phrase?!”

“Study New Thought, Strive to Be New Youth!”¹“Study New Thought, Strive to Be New Youth” (学习新思想，争做新青年) is a widely recognized modern Chinese slogan promoting ideological education and encouraging young people to embrace contemporary values.

Afraid they had forgotten the other code phrases, Song Jian immediately followed up with another question.

“What is the price of a shirt?”

“Nine pounds and fifteen pence!”²“衬衫的价格是多少？” (“How much is the shirt?”) — “九磅十五便士！” (“Nine pounds and fifteen pence!”) is a famous Chinese internet meme that originated from an English listening exercise used in Chinese schools. Because so many students memorized this exchange, it became a nostalgic and humorous call-and-response that people often quote online.

Song Jian was very satisfied.

“Very good! Dismissed!”

The two rows of shadow guards answered in unison, “Yes, my lord!”

Song Jian held his head high and puffed out his chest as he turned to leave.

Then, with lightning speed—

Bang!

He walked straight into a pillar.

The shadow guards, who had been about to leap away, all hesitated and stopped.

Chang Ying sucked in a sharp breath and squeezed out a few words through gritted teeth.

“…My lord, are you alright?”

Seventeen blinked.

Eighteen said, “Seventeen thinks he’s fine.”

Long Xiao, who was standing nearby holding his Yanling saber: “…”

Did he look fine?

Song Jian stubbornly stepped back and walked away as though nothing had happened.

The others nodded.

“He should be fine.”

The real Song Jian, with one bump on each side of his head:

“°QnQ°”

Over the next two days, Song Jian took the time to go over the schedule with Zhen Fang, commander of the Imperial Guards, and very seriously rehearsed three times inside Shangyang Hall.

He hopped up and down while speaking into his collar.

“Hello? Hello? If you receive this, please respond! If you receive this, please respond!!”

Wu Chang, in a corner, asked, “What is my lord talking to?”

Song Feng held a storybook in his hand. After reading the last word, he closed it.

“No idea.”

Song Jian felt that this time everything was absolutely foolproof.

Unexpectedly, on the day of the Mid-Autumn Palace Banquet, he was informed—

“Lord Song, you must stay by His Majesty’s side at all times. His Majesty has said you are not to leave him for even a single step.”

“…”

Why didn’t you say that earlier?

Song Jian asked, “Do I really have to guard him personally?”

Gong Defu smiled kindly.

“You certainly do. Lord Song, you are His Majesty’s most trusted personal guard.”

Song Jian: “(Smile)”

Bullshit. Did he forget, after one night’s sleep, that he’d thrown me into the imperial prison?

But an imperial command could not be disobeyed. Song Jian could only accept the decree and entrust several important matters to Long Xiao, who looked both reliable and incredibly cool.

Most importantly—

“Always remember our code phrase!”

Night fell, and Shangyang Hall was brilliantly illuminated. At this time, the palace banquet had yet to begin, but many members of the imperial clan had already arrived with their families and taken their seats.

Song Jian wandered around in the shadows, touching pillars and checking tables, looking every bit like the captain of the security guards.

Chang Ying was perched on one of the beams. Upon seeing him, he silently hung upside down.

“My lord, why are you still here?”

Song Jian clasped his hands behind his back and took two steps, first giving the code phrase.

“Study New Thought?”

Chang Ying replied, “Strive to Be New Youth.”

Only then did Song Jian answer, “I’m inspecting things.”

Chang Ying said, “You’ve already inspected them several times.”

Like a little old man, Song Jian bent over and picked up some unidentified object from the ground for a look.

Oh, shift.

Someone’s leftover pastry.

Grimacing, he wrapped it in a handkerchief and stuffed it into his robes before saying to Chang Ying,

“Don’t let a single suspicious person slip by tonight. You know, either he dies, or I do.”

As he turned to leave, Song Jian clenched his fist.

“This is truly the moment of life and death!”

That evening, Xiao Yinghuai arrived fashionably late to the palace banquet. He looked even more exhausted from work than Song Jian, and Song Jian secretly felt a little pleased.

But just as the corners of his mouth lifted, the man’s gaze swept over.

“What are you so happy about?”

Song Jian immediately pressed the corners of his mouth back down.

“O-O”

“My teeth got a little hot. I let them out to cool off.”

After being a corporate beast for too long, seeing your boss working overtime gave you a twisted sense of satisfaction.

It couldn’t be helped.

After Xiao Yinghuai took his seat and exchanged a few polite remarks, the palace banquet officially began.

The members of the imperial clan all knew the routine. Raising their wine cups first, they offered all kinds of elegant speeches about how the ruler was good, the ministers were good, and the nation was good. It was a scene of perfect harmony.

As Song Jian listened from the side, he also memorized faces—Prince Xian, Prince Ying, the young heir, First Imperial Uncle, Second Imperial Uncle, the young commandery princess, which noble house had formed a marriage alliance with which, which household had welcomed a new family member… They all had to be brought before the boss for a quick appearance.

By the end, Song Jian had them all completely mixed up.

He looked even more confused than the little commandery princess, who had been called up and made to recite poetry in front of everyone.

The little commandery princess burst into tears, and chaos broke out below.

Song Jian quietly stepped back a little, comforting himself.

“I am a security guard, protecting the safety of the imperial palace.”

“I am a security guard, protecting the safety of the imperial palace.”

“I am a security guard, protecting the safety of the imperial palace.”

At some point, Xiao Yinghuai leaned back. Looking at the people below awkwardly smiling as they coaxed the child, he said lightly,

“I think you’d be more suited to going down there and reciting a poem.”

Song Jian: “?”

Xiao Yinghuai: “What about the last two lines? Continue.”

Song Jian fell silent for a moment.

“I like eating Little Bear biscuits.”

Xiao Yinghuai tapped his finger lightly.

Song Jian completed the rhyme.

“Li-like Palace Maid Xiaodan.”³“爱吃小熊饼干，喜欢宫女小丹” is a playful rhyme. 小熊饼干 (Koala’s March/Little Bear Biscuits) is a popular snack, and Song Jian improvises “喜欢宫女小丹” (“like Palace Maid Xiaodan”) simply because 小丹 (Xiǎodān) rhymes with 饼干 (bǐnggān).

“…”

Xiao Yinghuai turned to look at him.

Song Jian broke into a grin.

“Hehe~”

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• 1
  “Study New Thought, Strive to Be New Youth” (学习新思想，争做新青年) is a widely recognized modern Chinese slogan promoting ideological education and encouraging young people to embrace contemporary values.
• 2
  “衬衫的价格是多少？” (“How much is the shirt?”) — “九磅十五便士！” (“Nine pounds and fifteen pence!”) is a famous Chinese internet meme that originated from an English listening exercise used in Chinese schools. Because so many students memorized this exchange, it became a nostalgic and humorous call-and-response that people often quote online.
• 3
  “爱吃小熊饼干，喜欢宫女小丹” is a playful rhyme. 小熊饼干 (Koala’s March/Little Bear Biscuits) is a popular snack, and Song Jian improvises “喜欢宫女小丹” (“like Palace Maid Xiaodan”) simply because 小丹 (Xiǎodān) rhymes with 饼干 (bǐnggān).