NB Chapter85

By the time I rushed there, the ancient mansion was already ablaze with orange-red flames in the distance. Between heaven and earth, water and fire are the most ruthless, yet when it engulfed and destroyed this dark cage, the fire seemed to become compassionate, flickering as it illuminated the sky overhead. The past was finally reduced to ashes and smoke along with the child who had once curled up in the corner of the room, silently enduring those freezing, gloomy days; now forever reduced to ashes and smoke.

Zhang Mingsheng stood not far away with his head tilted up, his face and pupils lit by the warm orange firelight.

My pace slowed down as I stepped over gravel and grass to come to his side.

He did not turn around to look at me.

In just an instant, the tongues of fire devoured all the precious calligraphy, paintings, and timber, destroying all the wealth and power woven out of human lives. The castle Zhang Yaonian had built for himself, the cage he had granted others, was actually only an illusion of eternity. He would grow old, he would die, he would become frail, and he would expose his flaws. As long as the people he had abused didn’t die, they would all come back eventually to see this fire with their own eyes as if watching fireworks in the sky.

The howling of the wind and fire sounded like someone’s unwilling death rattle, but amidst the rustling decay, it all collapsed.

A glance from the corner of my eye revealed a glint on Zhang Mingsheng’s cheek.

It was his tears.

It was only a single drop, crystal clear, like a raindrop.

The faint, crackling sounds of burning in the distance continued to spread. The moment Zhang Mingsheng spoke; his voice overrode everything else. He said, “I died.”

He raised his hand and pointed toward the fire, “Died right here.”

Unlike this vast, scorching heat, he had died in the loneliest, coldest moment; on a hospital bed flooded with harsh artificial light, and at a dining table where speaking was forbidden.

The fire brought annihilation, but it also dried the tears.

Amidst the weeping, the wronged souls must have found peace, entering Samsara to be reborn.

I hoped the same for Zhang Mingsheng.

So I said, “Then, today, I wish you a happy birthday.”

Zhang Mingsheng turned to look at me.

Looking into his eyes, I suddenly wanted to speak louder, so I said once more, “Zhang Mingsheng, happy birthday to you.”

He froze for a moment, then broke into a speechless laugh.

He finally smiled.

“Alright,” Zhang Mingsheng turned back before opening his arms toward the firelight to face the downfall of the past. He said, “Happy birthday to me.”

Burning the wealth Zhang Yaonian had painstakingly accumulated to illuminate the survivors of the aftermath.

I watched Zhang Mingsheng’s hair fluttering in the wind and his back turned to me as he held his arms open with abandon. I said, “I wish you a bright life.”

In an instant, Zhang Mingsheng turned back and pulled me into a tight embrace as if trying to block out all the sparks and the gale. But I no longer needed anyone to shield me from the wind and rain; the two of us were standing together, having shared each other’s burdens.

“Is this the last time we’ll see each other?” Zhang Mingsheng asked in my ear.

I told him, “But if we are destined, and we happen to meet on the street one day, I won’t avoid you.”

“I will walk every single street then,” he whispered. “I will never stop chasing you.”

“Don’t come looking for me.” I brushed the ends of his hair. “Live your own life.”

I pushed him away gently. At a hair’s breadth away, I held his face in my hands. He naturally leaned his forehead against mine. I looked at him and said, “The next eight years… you should give them back to me.”

His lips brushed against mine; it wasn’t a kiss, just soft grazing.

Amidst our tangled breaths, my voice dropped even lower, “And give these eight years back to yourself too.”

“We will meet again.” He finally conceded, his voice fainted as a sigh. He tilted his head, pressing his cheek into my palm.

“Until then,” I caressed his cheek, “Mingsheng, go watch the birds. No one will disturb you anymore.”

He suddenly reached up and gripped my hand. But I had already intended to pull it away, no matter how difficult it was.

After a brief, tight clasp, he let go.

He and I had shared a bed for many years, yet it felt as though we had never been as close as we were during the embraces of this recent time.

In the end, I finally got what I wanted.

What I wanted had never been that much from the very beginning.

I turned and walked away, never looking back against.

He finally let me go.

That night, I had another dream.

I passed through stark white walls, moving recklessly through the press and jostle of countless people. I heard subdued weeping, steady breathing, car horns, and the sudden uproar of a surging crowd.

I walked into a hospital room and saw a gaunt Li Yi.

He was sitting at the head of someone’s bed with his head hung low, holding hands with that person. The television mounted on the wall was on, the news flashing in rapid, high-frequency bursts, voices of countless people overlapping one another.

The matter between Zhang Mingsheng and me had already stirred up a storm in the city.

My old photographs were enlarged with only a narrow strip of mosaic covering my eyes. Beside them was Yu Huaiqing’s blurred silhouette in a series of candid photographs. They were displayed starkly before gradually merging into one another.

Zhang Mingsheng died on the spot leaving me barely alive, hanging on by a thread under the gaze of the entire world. A police officer reduced to a prisoner of a wealthy family’s heir, forced to change his identity and live under a false name. Two men, three names. What a perfect scandal for high society, enough for Hong Kong to talk about day and night, to hang in every corridor like gossip that clinks in the wind, drowning out even the gunshots of that day.

The rumors talked extensively about money-worship, love, oppression, obscene and distorted relationships, perversion, and being together only in appearance. Yet, there were also people who curiously investigated that small, fake family, stripped of everything else.

Zhang Mingsheng and I will likely have our names remembered for a decade, forging a bizarre case for curiosity-seekers to observe and play with.

The final shot that day was fired by Li Yi, who forced himself back to his feet and shot Jin Shunfa in the back. It didn’t kill him, and so, in an instant, the past was suddenly unearthed.

Zhang Yaonian died a sudden death; he had controlled the entire family in his youth, yet when he died, he was buried carelessly, and the meticulously arranged cemetery bought with a fortune was sold off cheaply by his own daughter. At the funeral, Mrs. Tang, who was over fifty, wore a long pink dress, and the young child she held by the hand was also dressed entirely in pink.

The moment Zhang Mingsheng died, everything became so smooth.

I, who had still not drawn my last breath, seemed rather inconsiderate instead.

I turned around, stood at the head of the patient’s bed, and looked down.

Yu Huaiqing, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you.

It turns out you and I aren’t completely different; we are still very much alike. Zhang Mingsheng couldn’t bring himself to use the knife to completely reshape me, so you still resemble me. Only you are thinner, paler. You are always crying, and when I lie down onto you, I can feel the dampness at the corners of your eyes.

Borrowing your life, borrowing your very last breath, I dissolved into your body, and within Li Yi’s grasp, I struggled with great difficulty to move a single finger.

Li Yi froze for a moment, then abruptly lifted his head.

A single tear fell, glistening for an instant before disappearing.

A man in his thirties, and yet he still sheds tears.

If I could, I would definitely mock him.

I looked at him while inhaling and exhaling, unable to say anything.

I knew that even without me, he would be able to live very well.

The melting pot of public opinion was all directed at me; I didn’t need him to explain for me or to shield me from it.

I really wanted to tell him, but even after using all my strength, I could only move a single finger.

He asked, ‘Ge, what do you want to say?’

I thought of our days at the police academy; such as those drills, those moments where you had to take a deep breath and charge forward.

No words could be spoken, only a pair of eyes left.

Whenever that happened, I would blink at him.

When a person is close to death, even their eyelashes feel heavy.

I blinked with great difficulty—once, twice, three times.

Li Yi saw it. Two more tears slid from the corners of his eyes, and amidst his sobbing, he gripped my hand tightly.

He was saying, ‘Ge, I know you aren’t afraid.’

He said, ‘I’m not afraid either.’

Feeling a sense of relief in my heart, I looked at his face one last time as my consciousness dissipated.

At the very, very end, I heard only a long, continuous beep.

When I opened my eyes again, I had returned to the small room I rented with Li Yi.

My pillow was damp with tears.

I climbed out of bed, opened the door, and suddenly pulled the bird’s-nest-haired Li Yi into a tight embrace.

It was three in the morning; he had gotten up to sneak some of the cake I bought and was caught red-handed by me with my face covered in tears.

He was originally going to explain himself, but because I hugged him, everything that came out of his mouth turned into curses.

In that instant, all the previous rifts between us were completely resolved.

After that day, I never dreamed of the past again as if those events had ceased along with Yu Huaiqing’s breathing, subsequently turning into smoke and ashes.

I had truly lived again; it was the real deal.

Shimu recovered well, while Shanshan prepared to continue her studies, stepping onto the research path she loved; everything returned to how it had once been. That failed marriage and the husband and father who had brought the family so much pain and torment were never mentioned again. Shimu said that from now on, I should just call her “Mom,” or “Godmother” if I preferred. I agreed, so from that day forward, there was no longer “Shimu.”

Most people are slow to react; they always have to endure and wait a bit before they can suddenly wake up and find their peace again.

The days passed by imperceptibly.

Three months later, I moved out of the apartment I shared with Li Yi.

I didn’t tell anyone my new address, including Shanshan and Li Yi.

Firstly, I was afraid Zhang Mingsheng would come looking for me again, and secondly, I was making preparations to go to Southeast Asia.

In terms of morality and personal pursuits, I didn’t want to go; but in terms of moral duty, I had no choice but to go.

I had already prepared myself to pave the way for Li Yi’s career.

I had already hinted to him that I had seen two people on the street who bore a striking resemblance to executed criminals.

However, before he had the chance to investigate, Zhan Weiqing was kicked out of his family due to gambling. He was tossed a random sum of money, and from then on, he no longer had any ties to the Zhan family.

Zhang Mingsheng no longer had the financial resources, the energy, or the desire to support him. Zhang Mingsheng also no longer needed this “friend” who had only appeared to need him once.

As for those twins, they later died alongside Zhan Weiqing in some corner of a Southeast Asian casino. Someone told me that between them, they had fewer than ten fingers left. But that, however, was something that happened many years later.

After I moved, Sister Azhu didn’t contact me for a long time.

At first, I was on edge, but later I thought that Sister Azhu was just being warm-hearted and perhaps only said those things to cheer me up, so I gradually put it out of my mind.

Zhang Xiaoyuan grew day by day, and he and I gradually became familiar with each other. In this life, we got along quite well; it was noisy, full of bickering, but far more relaxed than before. However, his passion for computers only deepened, and I simply couldn’t keep up with him.

Because of my departure without saying goodbye, Li Yi secretly followed me. After finding my residence, he had a massive row with me. Upon seeing Zhang Xiaoyuan hiding in the room, he even accused me of bullying some lady, causing an unwed pregnancy, and then snatching the child away. Zhang Xiaoyuan stood up tall and told Li Yi that he was an orphan and had no mother or father. Li Yi stared at him and was speechless for a long time, his expression looking quite grim.

Later on, Li Yi bought Zhang Xiaoyuan a lot of things to eat, drink, and play with. He bought things every week until the packaging boxes almost piled up into a mountain.

When Zhang Xiaoyuan was about to start primary school, I told him that if he was willing, I would choose a pair of very good parents for him. I promised to choose meticulously so that he wouldn’t suffer even a slight grievance.

Zhang Xiaoyuan didn’t say anything; he just dragged out the new chair I had bought and sat on it to test it over and over.

I spoke again, “Or you can just live with me from now on.”

His precocity had just begun to show as he told me with a stiff little face, “Fine. The chairs at your place are very comfortable.”

This little snake had finally coiled itself around my fingertip.

Another regret was erased from my life.

After Zhang Yaonian died, I continued to buy newspapers, but news related to Zhang Mingsheng never appeared in them again. It was as if he had vanished from the face of the earth.

I never stopped searching for Keke. But Zhang Mingsheng refused to give me any clues to the very end. We had tormented each other once, and now that life had turned mundane, we were actually competing over a child.

I never did win.

Waking from a dream at midnight, I found myself touching my own tears time and time again. But thinking of her being with Zhang Mingsheng, I surmised that she wouldn’t be doing too badly. In the vast sea of humanity, finding someone is like searching for a needle in the ocean. Even if you are searching for the person you cherish most, without knowing where she came from, you still may never find her.

Sometimes, I wondered if I had been a bit too harsh on Zhang Mingsheng.

One summer, I received a photograph.

It was sent by Sister Azhu. I didn’t care how she actually found out my address; for her, performing such small tasks was simply too easy.

I held the photo in my hands and looked at it. It showed a beautiful tropical beach and the sea. Beneath a coconut tree was the silhouette of a child seen from behind, her small hand was held by someone else.

The lens did not capture him.

I flipped it over. There was a line written in blue ink on the back:

I haven’t run into you yet.

I put the postcard in a drawer and locked it away.

Over the next few years, photographs continued to arrive one after another.

He was quite carefree, taking the child to play all over the world.

The child was also growing up well.

She grew taller, and her hair could be tied into small braids now. She wore a massive hat that covered half of her face.

Not a single one showed her front.

One year, there were simply no photos at all.

I was somewhat sulky, but I had my pride as well; I only sent one follow-up letter to inquire.

Sure enough, I received another photograph.

Only this time, the background behind her was no longer a tropical landscape.

It was indoors. She was sitting on the sofa watching television, giving me only a chubby profile of her face. Outside the window were countless green trees of midsummer.

I could recognize it; that was Maplewood Bay.

At that exact moment, my breath nearly stopped.

When I locked this particular photo into the drawer, my hands were shaking.

Life went on.

In the days that followed, I rarely thought about romance and love. I didn’t know if I had exhausted everything through the torment and restlessness or if I had already been filled to the brim by the most extreme ups and downs, leaving me with no further expectations for love.

Now that I was young again, I had no intention of trying to scale this high mountain of a lifelong commitment a second time.

Zhang Mingsheng was a whirlpool; a persistent, headstrong whirlpool. Being near him made my already floating heart drift even more precariously. I wondered if, now that these days had passed, he had finally let himself go, allowing himself to become a flowing river or the open sea.

At least I was already living with all my might, trying to ground myself and find a sense of belonging in the most detailed and ordinary things. When I’m completely on my own, I eat the food I like, look at the scenery I love, work hard, and make new friends from time to time. It was very ordinary, but I knew that I was slowly, slowly, making my own life whole again.

Only, I didn’t know if I was influenced by that photograph, but whenever I was out on the street, I always felt as though Zhang Mingsheng’s figure flashed before my eyes; sometimes while crossing the road and other times at the split second of entering or leaving a coffee shop. I deliberately forced myself not to give chase, so whenever I looked up, only countless unfamiliar faces came rushing toward me.

I chalked it all up to missing Keke too much and loving the house and its crow¹ so deeply that I had begun imagining things. If we were really living in the exact same place, how could we keep failing to cross paths?

Holding the box, I came to a halt at a crossroads.

The sunshine was quite nice today, so I decided to walk a bit further, treating it as a stroll.

After serving my disciplinary punishment, I was actually given an important role instead. Later, I transferred departments, which counted as a promotion, and was allocated an office. Though called an office, it was actually just loosely partitioned off by a glass door with a square desk that was even a bit smaller. Being a police officer wasn’t easy, but regardless, I truly hoped that Hong Kong Island would remain peaceful every day.

Walking into the flow of the crowd and hearing people’s conversations, my heart felt incredibly at ease.

Being able to walk a stretch of the road calmly and alone without having to look over my shoulder or worry about what lay ahead was a kind of happiness to me.

A little girl said to her mother that the clouds today were beautiful.

I stopped in my tracks because of those words, tilting my head back and turning my body to gaze at the sky.

There were indeed cirrus clouds on the horizon, unfolding generously and honestly. They softly acted as pillows for the low-rise buildings. On a rooftop, someone appeared to be holding a pair of binoculars, gazing toward an even higher stretch of sky.

I watched the clouds for a while, not wanting to stop, but my shoulder was suddenly struck hard by a passing pedestrian. Once interrupted, my interest faded considerably. I stretched my neck and continued on my own way, walking back into the life that brought me peace. Pedestrians moved in twos and threes; it had just rained, and the puddles reflected a warm golden glow.

Suddenly, a swallow swooped low, fluttering past my shoulder.

It glided for a while, circling, then abruptly soared high.

The sky is infinite, leaving it free to fly high.

I thought that it would never know, nor would it care, that there was a person in this world who loved the arc it drew when it flew.

Just as that person once did not know that a stranger met by chance would keep a newspaper clipping with his photo on it forever. We share a destiny.

Perhaps at some golden hour, we will suddenly happen to meet. We could have a chat, or we could also leave at any time.

I reached into my pocket to find my keys when I suddenly felt a trace of coldness against my fingertips.

When I pulled it out to take a look, it was a diamond necklace. The design was simple, with only a single diamond suspended at the center. It was crystal clear, its facets reflecting a brilliance that dazzled my eyes. I immediately looked up and began searching through the crowd, trying to find the person who had just bumped into me.

But I did not find him.

The necklace rested in my palm, the diamond like an intricately formed ice crystal when examined closely.

I suddenly remembered my wish.

I want to go see the snow.

Having finally made it through this year, I want to go and see the snow.