DIHBSG chapter 18

On Song Jian’s first day of actively going to work, he suffered a complete defeat. He neither managed to leave the palace nor get any gold beans, gold leaves, or gold melon seeds.

However, there was one piece of good news: it was payday for the Tiancha Division.

Early the next morning, a young eunuch from the Imperial Household Department was already waiting at the door. Song Jian was woken up by Chang Ying and sleepily made his way toward the entrance.

“Lord Song, please count it. If everything’s correct, this servant can leave your monthly salary here and return to report.”

Yawning, Song Jian accepted the bundle of silver. He casually weighed it in his hand. It was quite heavy, so he asked, “Is only mine being paid? What about everyone else’s?”

The young eunuch was clearly stunned.

Seeing the eunuch stay silent, Song Jian also fell quiet. He squeezed the silver in his hand, then after a moment said, “This… isn’t this the entire Tiancha Division’s monthly salary, is it?”

The young eunuch was so flustered by the question that sweat nearly broke out on his forehead. “Th-this…”

Song Jian: “…”

So it really was.

After the young eunuch left, Song Jian distributed the silver. It was clearly a pitifully small amount.

To this day, Song Jian still couldn’t forget that when he treated Tang Lai to noodles at Zuixian Tower, the waiter had said that reserving the Heaven No. 1 private room for one night cost thirty-eight taels of silver.

Thirty-eight taels. Damn it, even his yearly salary wasn’t that much.

Song Jian lovingly stroked his two taels of silver before carefully putting them into the pouch at his waist.

Forget it. A pitiful little amount was still better than nothing. We college students know when to bend and when to stand tall.

Besides, didn’t TV dramas always say that when serving in the palace, you didn’t make money from your salary? You made it from rewards—from the gold beans, gold leaves, and gold melon seeds in your master’s pocket.

Song Jian regained his confidence, went back to pack the fruit he had picked yesterday into a small cloth bag, slung it over his arm, and went off to work again.

Today, those fruits absolutely had to end up in his patron’s mouth!

Judging by the time, the morning court hadn’t ended yet, so Song Jian diligently went to wait outside the Golden Throne Hall.

Crossing his arms, he leaned against a large red pillar with a foxtail grass stem that he had no idea where he’d pulled from dangling from his mouth.

Chomp, chomp, chomp.

Chew, chew, chew.

Who knew how much time had passed before Gong Defu’s shrill voice rang out from inside the hall.

“Court dismissed—”

After the ministers inside completed the dismissal ceremony, they leisurely left through the main entrance in groups of twos and threes, while Song Jian swam upstream like a fish.

Carrying his little cloth bag, he rushed inside while shouting, “Your Majesty!”

Xiao Yinghuai was practically about to walk out through the side door.

“Fruit! Your fruit! Your favorite fruit! This subordinate brought it for you!”

The ministers who hadn’t left yet all froze at the words. They looked at one another, and the same sentence was written across all of their eyes.

What kind of fruit does His Majesty like to eat?

Song Jian pulled out a fruit from the cloth bag. It was lush and green, so green it made people uneasy.

Holding it high, he waved it a few times. The little dimple on his cheek appeared and disappeared.

“Hehe~”

Xiao Yinghuai strode away without the slightest pause.

With the little cloth bag on his back, Song Jian chased him all the way to the Eastern Warm Chamber of Yanning Palace. Smelling the breakfast being served inside, he hugged the fruit and poked his head around, sneaking about like a cat.

“Your~~~~~ Majesty~~~~~”

Xiao Yinghuai originally had no intention of paying him any attention, but the person at the doorway kept staring at him with two eyes as bright as giant lanterns.

“…”

Xiao Yinghuai raised a hand toward him.

Whoosh—Song Jian immediately jumped inside.

“Your Majesty…”

However, he had barely begun speaking when the man interrupted him.

“Put down the fruit and leave.”

Song Jian obediently set the fruit down, then blinked twice.

Xiao Yinghuai glanced at him. “Anything else?”

Song Jian scratched his two index fingers together and said earnestly, “Won’t you try one?”

Xiao Yinghuai couldn’t help but recall the taste of that fruit. After a long while, his Adam’s apple bobbed once, and without saying a word, he began eating breakfast.

Song Jian: “Your Majesty, won’t you really try one?”

Xiao Yinghuai acted as though he hadn’t heard him.

“Your Majesty, this subordinate saved these fruits for you overnight.”

“…”

“Your Majesty, this subordinate even got scratched while picking them for you yesterday. Wuuu~”

Xiao Yinghuai’s voice carried a threat. “Try making that sound one more time.”

Song Jian immediately slapped a hand over his own mouth.

Two seconds later—

“Wah~”

This breakfast was the most irritable Xiao Yinghuai had ever eaten. When he left, he tossed out one sentence.

“You stay here and eat.”

He had intended to use food to shut this fool’s mouth.

Who would have thought that as soon as the fool finished eating, he came trotting after him again.

One look—

He was still holding those terribly sour fruits in his hands.

And those two eyes were still as big as lanterns.

Xiao Yinghuai crooked a finger lightly. Once the person came close, he reached out and pinched that half of the young man’s face.

Pulling him toward himself, he narrowed his eyes slightly.

“What do you want to get from me? Hmm?”

Song Jian: “O3O”

Xiao Yinghuai: “Speak.”

“(Uh… uh… uh…)”

Xiao Yinghuai: “…”

He loosened his grip a little. Song Jian immediately made flattering noises.

“Your Majesty is the Son of Heaven. Serving the Son of Heaven is this subordinate’s highest honor…”

Xiao Yinghuai tightened his grip again.

Song Jian: “O3O”

“(Uh…)”

“(Uh… uh…)”

Song Jian had been pinched for quite a while. Saliva was almost dripping from the corner of his mouth. He pursed his lips with all his strength and raised a hand, wanting to make one last attempt, but the moment it neared the arm restraining him, one look from the man made him lose his courage.

After quite some time, Xiao Yinghuai finally said leisurely,

“I’ll give you one last chance to tell the truth.”

Song Jian nodded frantically.

Xiao Yinghuai released him.

Song Jian immediately stepped back and wiped his mouth before obediently pursing his lips.

“This subordinate wants…”

“What?”

“Wants…”

Xiao Yinghuai made as if to raise his hand again.

Song Jian blurted out, “A reward!”

Xiao Yinghuai: “?”

A reward?

Embarrassed, Song Jian fidgeted with his fingers, both cheeks flushed red.

Xiao Yinghuai’s gaze fell on the jade-carved black lacquer floral-pattern brush holder on the imperial desk, then shifted to the Twelve Peaks imperial inkstone on the other side. After pausing for a moment, he looked at the thumb ring on his own hand before finally looking at the moon-white glazed plum vase placed in front of him.

The craftsmanship of that plum vase was exquisite; it truly was no ordinary item. The last time Xiao Da came, he had carried one away.

Although after ascending the throne he had always required both the court and the harem to cut unnecessary expenses, he was by no means stingy.

Besides, after Xiao Da took one of the vases away, that spot had remained asymmetrical for a long time. Looking at it annoyed him.

Xiao Yinghuai said, “That vase is yours. Consider it a reward.”

Song Jian froze when he heard that.

A vase?

He blinked rapidly twice, scratched his cheek, and turned to look.

What vase? He didn’t want a vase.

Seeing him remain still, Xiao Yinghuai raised an eyebrow.

“Too little?”

Song Jian said blankly, “N-no.”

After thinking for a moment, he said softly, “This subordinate doesn’t want the vase.”

Xiao Yinghuai: “Then what do you want?”

Song Jian opened his lion’s mouth just a little.¹The author is twisting the Chinese idiom 狮子大开口 (“the lion opens its mouth wide”), which means “to make an exorbitant demand.” By changing 大 (“wide/big”) to 小 (“small”), Song Jian jokingly suggests he’s making only a tiny request—though he’s still asking the emperor for a reward.

“This subordinate wants one gold bean.”

A gold bean?

Song Jian held up two fingers before his eyes.

“Just this——big. This big is enough.”

Xiao Yinghuai looked at his two fair fingers. The gap between them was less than half an inch. He let out a mocking laugh.

“Do you know how many gold beans you want that plum vase could be exchanged for?”

Song Jian: “(。· _ · 。)”

“I don’t know.”

Xiao Yinghuai: “…”

Where exactly did this little fool come from?

He called, “Defu.”

Gong Defu pushed the door open and answered, “Yes, Your Majesty.”

“Take Lord Song to receive one gold bean.”

Gong Defu looked at Song Jian and smiled.

“Come along, Lord Song.”

Song Jian hesitated.

“Um… Your Majesty, since you’ve already given this subordinate such a valuable reward, please let this subordinate do something for you.”

Xiao Yinghuai: “What do you want to do?”

Song Jian’s eyes sparkled.

“This subordinate wants to leave the palace to look for fruit for Your Majesty.”

Xiao Yinghuai fell silent for a moment.

“Heh.”

After following Gong Defu to collect the gold bean, Song Jian hurried away. Though he claimed he was leaving the palace under imperial orders to look for fruit, the moment he left the palace, he headed straight for Zuixian Tower.

It happened to be noon, and Zuixian Tower was bustling with activity.

The same waiter from last time recognized him and greeted him with a smile.

“Lord, you’re here again. What would you like to eat today?”

As he spoke, he looked behind Song Jian. Only after confirming he was alone did he let out a sigh of relief.

Walking toward the common seating area, Song Jian said, “Plum-roasted chicken!”

“Coming right up.”

The waiter had just turned around when Song Jian added, “I want four of them!”

He would eat one himself, bring two back to the Tiancha Division, and one more for his boss.

Perfect.

As Song Jian praised himself in his heart for thinking everything through, he shook his head and sighed to himself.

He was no longer the pure person he used to be.

He had actually learned to bribe his boss with roasted chicken.

The bad habits of the workplace really were easy to pick up.

Before long, the roasted chicken was served.

The waiter said enthusiastically, “Enjoy, Lord. I’ll pack up the other three after you finish eating.”

Song Jian nodded.

Happily, he dug into the roasted chicken.

“Miamiamiamia~”

Meanwhile, in the imperial study, a shadow guard was reporting Song Jian’s movements.

After listening, Xiao Yinghuai leaned back.

So all his diligence these past two days had been for the sake of roasted chicken.

Heh.

Heh heh.

He asked, “What else?”

The shadow guard replied, “Besides that… this subordinate remembers Lord Song shouting something.”

“What?”

“‘I worship, I worship the King of Roasted Chicken!’”

Xiao Yinghuai: “…”

After finishing the roasted chicken, Song Jian paid the bill and happily left Zuixian Tower.

He planned to buy some fruits. Since he had left the palace under imperial orders to look for fruit, he had to bring at least a few back.

Carrying the roasted chickens, Song Jian strolled along the streets.

It was currently the season for this kind of sour fruit, so they should have been easy to buy, yet after wandering around for most of the afternoon, he still couldn’t buy a single one.

Along the way, he ran into several fruit vendors.

“Do you have those green, really green fruits?”

The vendor scratched his head. After thinking for a while, he leaned closer and whispered,

“To be honest, Lord, you probably won’t find green sour fruits anywhere in the entire capital right now.”

Song Jian: “?”

“Huh?”

He leaned in as well, gossiping in a whisper.

“Did the sour fruits have their nine clans executed?”

The vendor replied,

“No. Haven’t you heard? Our emperor likes sour fruits. Those officials at court bought up all the sour fruits in the entire capital today. They said they were taking them into the palace to present to His Majesty. So don’t waste your effort, Lord. You won’t be able to buy any.”

Song Jian: “?”

There was actually someone even better at bribing the boss than him?

Inside the palace.

After Xu Xian left the imperial study, Xiao Yinghuai began dealing with the mountain of accumulated state affairs. He had only been reviewing memorials for a short while when Gong Defu entered.

“Your Majesty, Vice Minister Niu of the Ministry of Revenue has presented you with a basket of fruit.”

Xiao Yinghuai paid it no mind and waved a hand.

Gong Defu withdrew.

Not long afterward, Gong Defu came back again.

“Your Majesty, Lord Qiao of the Ministry of Rites has presented you with a basket of fruit.”

Xiao Yinghuai paused.

After that—

“Your Majesty, Vice Minister Lin of the Ministry of Works has presented you with a basket of fruit.”

“Your Majesty, the Dali Temple…”

“Your Majesty, the Left Censor-in-Chief of the Censorate…”

“Your Majesty…”

By the time Xiao Yinghuai finished his work and walked out, he was already surrounded by what seemed to be all the sour fruits in the entire capital.

Gong Defu wiped away his sweat.

“Um… Your Majesty, the officials all said… that you like sour fruits. They’re delicious. You love them… so please eat more.”

Xiao Yinghuai once again recalled the taste of that fruit from last night.

And the reason for all of this was simply because he had said one sentence to his shadow guards:

“I want to eat them.”

“…”

A person couldn’t even empathize with who they were yesterday.

You can read the full completed story here with instant full access. ✨

• 1
  The author is twisting the Chinese idiom 狮子大开口 (“the lion opens its mouth wide”), which means “to make an exorbitant demand.” By changing 大 (“wide/big”) to 小 (“small”), Song Jian jokingly suggests he’s making only a tiny request—though he’s still asking the emperor for a reward.