DIHBSG chapter 7

After receiving the last decree, Song Jian finally got off work.

The last time he had stood guard for this long was when he was little playing house. Draped in a bedsheet with a foot-washing basin on his head, he had pretended to be the king’s guard at the doorway and stood there for a full three hours.

He had never imagined that the gears of fate had already begun turning back then.

Ha.

He hurried down the steps, taking deep breaths of the fresh air outside. The lingering stench of work that had been clinging to him was finally swept away.

Just as he was about to slip away, Gong Defu chased after him again.

“Lord Song! Lord Song!”

Song Jian’s cheerful steps came to a halt. “What is it?”

Gong Defu said, “Nothing much. This old servant was simply ordered to remind you of one thing. Carrying out errands is one thing, but don’t forget your duty as shadow guards.”

Song Jian scratched his cheek. “Huh?”

Gong Defu said shyly, “Oh my, don’t you already know? Don’t make this old servant say it out loud.”

Song Jian was shocked. “Don’t tell me I have to warm the bed too?! Don’t tell me His Majesty has a taste for men?!”

Gong Defu sucked in a sharp breath: “Oh, Lord Song, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!”

Seeing how strongly he reacted, Song Jian quickly nodded. “Oh, oh, oh, got it, got it. Don’t believe rumors, don’t spread rumors.”

Only then did Gong Defu pat his chest. “Just don’t forget to come keep watch tonight. His Majesty said that unless it’s you standing the night watch, he can’t sleep at ease.”

Song Jian: “…”

It had to be him?

Oh, what kind of night watch was he standing? A night watch spent thinking about you?

The smell of work gathered around him once more. Pulling a long face, he said, “Then why only give me three days?”

Such a short time! So difficult! How was he supposed to do it well!!!

Gong Defu said, “His Majesty is showing trust in you, Lord Song. This is the blessing of us being a subject.”

Song Jian almost turned into Ye Lanyi: (smiling.jpg)¹Ye Lanyi (叶澜依), a character from the Chinese drama Empresses in the Palace, is known for her cold, detached demeanor and emotionally blank expressions. She has become an internet reference for a “dead-eyed” or forced smile. “(smile.jpg)” is a meme used to indicate a stiff, emotionless smile while feeling nothing inside.

If this blessing were given to you, would you want it?

Because of that little incident, Song Jian returned to the Tiancha Division in a rather wilted state. He had originally thought he could take a few days off while running side quests and get some proper rest, only to be told that he now had to do the side quests while also grinding the main storyline.

What an ancient capitalist.

Song Jian was so angry that he went to the dining hall and drank two big bowls of water. Seeing how hungry and thirsty he looked, the cook kindly brewed him a pot of tea, then finally served him a plate of melon seeds.

He kept crunching away until noon before finally feeling a little better. At one quarter past the hour of wu²午时 (Wu hour) is:11:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m., the dining hall began serving food, and he went to find Chang Ying, asking about Tang Lai and Gao Kaiji while eating.

After listening, Chang Ying asked strangely, “Why are you asking about Lord Tang and Lord Gao?”

“His Majesty told me to investigate what bad things Lord Tang said about Lord Gao.” As he spoke, he stuffed a mouthful of stir-fried cabbage into his mouth.

Hearing this, Chang Ying let out a very dramatic, drawn-out, “Ohhh.”

“Them!”

Song Jian’s eyes widened. “You know what he said?”

Chang Ying shook his head. “Don’t know.”

Song Jian: “…”

I didn’t know your “Oh” sounded so convincing.

Chang Ying said, “But Lord Tang and Lord Gao have been colleagues for over twenty years, and they’ve never gotten along. Everyone knows that. The two of them have been insulting each other for so many years. There’s nothing strange about it.”

As he was speaking, Long Xiao walked in from outside. With a clang, he set his Yanling saber on the table, then sat down and drank two mouthfuls of water.

After drinking, he turned his head and found the two of them staring at him in perfect unison.

Long Xiao: “?”

Song Jian crooked a finger at him.

By the time Song Feng arrived, it was already two quarters past the hour of wu. He had just finished his shift at the Chengtian Gate and rushed over, starving after sprinting all the way. Just as he was about to sit down to eat, the three people beside him all looked at him gloomily.

Song Feng: “?”

What’s going on?

A while later, Wu Chang also came in.

Half an hour later, six or seven people were gathered around Song Jian’s table, each contributing one sentence of gossip.

Chang Ying: “Lord Tang was the top scholar personally appointed by the late emperor. Lord Gao was the third-place scholar.”

Long Xiao: “In the same examination year, one entered the Ministry of Personnel and the other entered the Ministry of Revenue. Now Lord Tang serves as Minister of Personnel, and Lord Gao serves as Minister of Revenue.”

Song Feng: “Two years ago at the garden poetry gathering, they even got into a fight because Lord Tang thought Lord Gao’s poem wasn’t worthy of taking first place.”

Wu Chang: “Last year alone, Lord Gao submitted over a hundred memorials impeaching Lord Tang. Everyone in the capital knows.”

Seventeen: “…”

Eighteen: “Seventeen says this year broke the record again.”

Seventeen nodded.

Eighteen: “As of early August, Lord Gao has already impeached Lord Tang over a hundred times.”

Resting his chin on one hand, Song Jian sank into deep thought. Suddenly, the sound of cracking melon seeds rang beside his ear.

Cook: (Bai Zhantang munch munch munch.jpg.)*

Cook: “What else?”

Song Jian held out his palm toward him for melon seeds. The cook immediately dug around in his pocket, dug and dug, then poured half a handful into Song Jian’s palm.

Satisfied, Song Jian crack-cracked two seeds, then looked at the people around him again and also asked, “What else?”

Chang Ying: “Lord Tang likes eating noodles.”

Song Jian snapped his fingers. “Then he’s not Lord Tang, he’s a Noodle Master.”

Long Xiao: “Lord Gao hates eating noodles the most.”

Song Jian nodded. “So it’s a holy war between the Pro-Noodle Church and the Anti-Noodle Cult.”

Chang Ying nodded along as well and also held out his palm toward the cook for melon seeds.

The cook only had a handful of melon seed left, so he turned around and brought back a whole large plate.

“Crack crack crack crack…”

“Crack crack…”

“Crack, ptoo ptoo ptoo…”

For a time, the dining hall was crunching seeds on all sides.

…

By the time Song Jian left the Tiancha Division, he had already grasped the basic situation between the two men. The only problem was that he had eaten so many melon seeds that his cheeks hurt.

Song Jian went “ah ah ah,” exercising his jaw, with a group of people behind him all went “ah ah ah” in perfect synchronization.

That afternoon, Song Jian went back and took a nap. It wasn’t until the sky was beginning to darken that he got up with a yawn. He asked Chang Ying, who said that at this hour, some of the emperor’s most trusted ministers were still in the palace attending the evening court session and would only return home after it ended.

Song Jian asked, “Lord Tang is there too?”

Chang Ying nodded.

Rubbing his hands together eagerly, Song Jian left the Tiancha Division and headed straight for the Meridian Gate.

With his arms folded, he strolled back and forth while waiting. Chang Ying had said this was the route Tang Lai had to take after court was dismissed, so he had to find a way to chat with Tang Lai.

After all, from the sound of it, Tang Lai was the one who had started the whole thing. As the saying goes, the one who tied the bell must be the one to untie it.

From time to time, small groups of guards or eunuchs passed by. Whoever he saw, he greeted with a cheerful smile.

“Have you eaten yet?”

The little eunuch replied in great trepidation, “Not yet, Lord Song.”

Song Jian said, “Go eat.”

The little eunuch said, “Many thanks for Lord Song’s concern.”

Song Jian idly kicked the little stones on the ground. He didn’t know how much time had passed before a small burst of noise suddenly came from ahead.

He looked up and saw a group of officials in court robes, strolling along while chatting.

Song Jian immediately started walking over, but after taking one step, he suddenly realized—

Damn it, what did Tang Lai even look like???

Just then, inspiration struck Song Jian, and he shouted toward them, “Lord Tang!”

The entire group of officials stopped in unison, and among all of them, the one leading on the left reacted the most. Song Jian locked onto him precisely.

This had to be Tang Lai.

He dashed over.

“Lord Tang, may I have a word?”

The official’s expression turned strange. His hand, which had been stroking his beard, paused for quite a while before he said, “What is it?”

Song Jian said, “I’d like to talk with you about Lord Gao.”

The official’s expression grew even stranger. He looked left and right. Just as he was hesitating, a hearty laugh suddenly came from behind.

“I heard Lord Song was looking for this old man?”

Song Jian: “?”

Tilting his head, he looked over.

A dignified, spirited official strode over.

Not only did he come over, but the long wing of his official hat also smacked the “Lord Tang” standing in front of Song Jian right across the face — giving him a perfect example of courtesy before force.

The man trembled with anger, pointing a finger.

“Tang Lai!! You, you, you, you, you, you, you…”

Only then did Song Jian realize he had mistaken the wrong person. If the one walking over was Tang Lai, then the one just now was…

Tang Lai cast him a sidelong glance. “What of it? I haven’t even settled the matter of you impersonating this old man, yet you’re the one shouting first?”

Gao Kaiji said, “You old scoundrel, you’re simply shameless!”

With an angry flick of his sleeve, he turned and left.

Watching the whole scene, Song Jian couldn’t help but sigh in admiration. That sleeve had been flicked with truly remarkable skill—perfectly aimed, landing squarely on Tang Lai.

Tang Lai didn’t seem annoyed either. Turning to him with a smile, he asked, “What is it, Lord Song?”

Song Jian gestured to the side, and Tang Lai knowingly walked a couple of steps with him.

“I wonder whether Lord Tang has time tonight. I’d like to invite Lord Tang to… have a bowl of noodles.”

Tang Lai leaned backward.

“Hiss~~~~”

Song Jian said, “Half an hour is enough. At Zuixian Tower. I still have to go back later to stand night watch for His Majesty.”

The moment Tang Lai heard that, his expression instantly changed.

He understood that this was most likely the emperor’s intention. How could he dare refuse any longer?

“I have time, I have time. Lord Song, please.”

Song Jian left the palace together with Tang Lai. Ahead of him, Tang Lai went over to instruct a servant from the Tang residence who had been waiting outside.

His voice was neither loud nor soft, just enough for Song Jian to hear.

“I don’t know whether I’ll be able to return tonight. If there’s still no word from me after the Hour of Xu³Xu hour (戌时): 7:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m., have everyone in the residence prepare the funeral arrangements.”

Song Jian: “??”

Wait… what? Wait… what?

Huh?

How did eating a bowl of noodles turn into preparing funeral arrangements??

When Tang Lai turned back around, he already wore the expression of someone ready to face death.

Song Jian fell silent for a moment.

It seemed some sort of misunderstanding had arisen here.

Tang Lai took a deep breath.

“Let’s go, Lord Song.”

Unable to resist, Song Jian explained, “Lord Tang, it’s just a bowl of noodles.”

Tang Lai nodded and secretly wiped away a tear.

Song Jian: “…”

Probably because the Tiancha Division had such a fearsome reputation, Tang Lai simply didn’t believe what he said. He was convinced that tonight’s invitation to eat noodles was actually to kill him.

Song Jian didn’t explain any further. Following the address Chang Ying had given him, he quickly arrived at Zuixian Tower.

Zuixian Tower was the largest restaurant in the capital. Brilliantly lit and bustling with activity, it stood out greatly at night, so there was no need for him to search for it.

The moment he and Tang Lai entered, someone came over enthusiastically and asked, “What would the two lords like to eat?”

To put Tang Lai at ease, Song Jian decided to be generous for once and asked, “How much is your best private room?”

The waiter’s eyes immediately lit up.

“Replying to my lord, our Heaven No. 1 Room at Zuixian Tower costs thirty-eight taels of silver for one night. If you book now, you’ll also receive a jar of premium Daughter’s Red wine.”

Song Jian’s footsteps abruptly halted. Protecting his money pouch with one hand, he rubbed it twice rather pitifully.

A handful of broken silver.

The waiter asked, “Would my lord like to book the Heaven Room?”

Song Jian coughed.

“Oh, no, I was just asking. Didn’t mean anything by it. Just find us any place. We’ll eat a bowl of noodles and leave.”

The waiter gave an awkward yet polite smile.

“0v0”

In the end, Song Jian and Tang Lai sat at an open table on the first floor of Zuixian Tower. Within the limits of his ability, Song Jian generously ordered Tang Lai a bowl of noodles—the restaurant’s new specialty, the Master’s Freshly Pulled Super Delicious Fish Soup Noodles.

While waiting for the noodles, Song Jian picked at his fingers while thinking about how to phrase things.

Tang Lai stared at his hands, his heart filled with despair.

He knew that within a quarter of an hour, those hands would be holding the knife that would send him straight to the King of Hell.

Song Jian’s head felt a little itchy, so he scratched it.

Tang Lai: “!”

Could the hidden weapon be concealed in his hair?!

Song Jian rubbed his nose.

Tang Lai narrowed his eyes.

Could it be poison hidden in his nose?

Song Jian rolled his wrist.

Tang Lai was so frightened that he hurriedly took a step backward.

Song Jian looked up.

“…?”

Now what?

Only after the waiter’s Master’s Freshly Pulled Super Delicious Fish Soup Noodles were served did Tang Lai sit back down.

With tears streaming down his old face, he inhaled the fragrance of the noodles.

He had never imagined this bowl of noodles would be his last meal.

Two little dimples appeared on Song Jian’s cheeks as he smiled.

“Lord Tang, eat while it’s hot.”

Tang Lai nodded and lowered his head to slurp the noodles.

“Slurpurururururur~~~~~”

After one mouthful, he wiped his nose.

“Slurpurururururururur——”

Suddenly, Tang Lai clutched his throat and began gasping for air. His face flushed bright red.

“This noodles—this noodles—”

“Poison!!!!”

After shouting that, Tang Lai collapsed stiffly backward.

Song Jian shot to his feet.

“Holy shit!!!!”

What was going on???

He rushed over and caught Tang Lai.

“Lord Tang! Lord Tang, wake up!”

Song Jian shouted toward the surroundings, “Is there a doctor?! Who’s a doctor?!”

Doctor!!! Doctor!!! Is there a doctor!!!

Just then, someone in the panicked crowd around them shouted, “The Mao family’s Fifth Young Master is here!”

Song Jian turned his head and saw an old acquaintance. Tears immediately welled up in his eyes.

“Imperial Physician Mao!! Hurry and save him!!!”

You can read the full completed story here with instant full access. ✨

• 1
  Ye Lanyi (叶澜依), a character from the Chinese drama Empresses in the Palace, is known for her cold, detached demeanor and emotionally blank expressions. She has become an internet reference for a “dead-eyed” or forced smile. “(smile.jpg)” is a meme used to indicate a stiff, emotionless smile while feeling nothing inside.
• 2
  午时 (Wu hour) is:11:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m.
• 3
  Xu hour (戌时): 7:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m.