“Shao Heng, wake up! Shen Mucheng is already dead! How long are you going to lie to yourself?”
“He’s dead, He’s already dead!”
“!!!” Luo Shaoheng sat upright from his bed vigorously, he clenched onto the blanket and gasped for breath. The temperature of the room was really low, but a layer of cold sweat could be seen on his back and forehead.
When his breath calmed down, he leant onto the headboard and stretched out his hand to switch on the wall lamp beside. The soft amber light brightened the surroundings of the bed, bringing about a sense of warmth in this cool night, and that he would not be shrouded by the coldness in the dream.
It was as if a riot of echoes was still lingering by his ears, the scenes in the dream were so clear and real, making him feel unbearable even though he knew that it was just a dream.
From the first time where he saved Shen Mucheng from the nearby alley, the dream was just like a movie that kept on repeating, playing the past they had from the beginning till the end, while he was just like a bystander, looking at himself from being immature to nothing but desperation and desolation.
His mother’s uninhibited furious expression, the blue, underglaze tea cup that was smashed broken beside his foot, and the slap that was swayed onto his face, including the pain when the finger nails lacerated my face, he could still remember everything clearly as if he had experienced them for another time.
He was not considered as a filial son, he decided to disobey his family who had brought him up for many years for a man, disappointing his parents.
However, the person also did not accompany him to continue the rest of his life as he had promised.
Growing up in the Luo Family, he had tutors to teach him every manners, what he should do and what he should not do, what kind of person he should be to suit the image of the Luo Family. He thought he would live his whole life following the standards and rules inflexibly. It was not something to be judged as great or not, since he had been living more than ten years in this way.
However, he did not expect that he would meet someone called Shen Mucheng.
Those two years living with Shen Mucheng were the happiest days in his life that he had appreciated the most. Staying with Shen Mucheng, he did not need to care about others, he did not need to follow the rules strictly, he could laugh as loud as he wanted, he could even be dead drunk in the streets, because there would always be someone who would carry him on his back and bring him back home.
At that time, Shen Mucheng who had lost his memory only had Shaoheng in his eyes, placing him in his heart carefully.
Luo Shaoheng sighed, he pressed on his chest where his heart was at, he slowly closed his eyes, showing a forced smile as if he was laughing at himself.
It has been ten years, Shen Mucheng left ten years ago, why can’t I forget?
As he was denying this possibility in his heart, he did not want to lose everything that he and Shen Mucheng had together before, no matter if it was joy or sorrow, as long as it was something related to him, he was not willing to lose them.
He turned his head and looked at the small, delicate calendar on the cabinet beside, his sight paused on the date that was circled with a red pen, faint misery could be seen emerging in Luo Shaoheng’s eyes.
Time is passing so quickly, it’s time to go visit you again.
Luo Shaoheng lifted off the blanket and got off the bed, he washed himself simply and went out with his car keys.
It was only 6 in the morning, there was only a car which Luo Shaoheng was driving on the route towards the cemetery located in the suburbs. It was silent and barren.
After reaching, he parked his car and went up. The guard in the guardhouse of the cemetery was snoozing, he did not notice that he had come.
The sunrise was blocked by the layers of grey clouds, causing the sky to look a bit gloomy. The cemetery in the suburbs was really quiet, a sense of calmness could be felt surrounding it. There were only sounds of rustles when a few gusts of breeze blew over from time to time.
Luo Shaoheng stopped in front of Shen Mucheng’s tombstone, his heartbeat that was pounding as loud as a drum after he was awakened by the dream in the morning slowly calmed down. For some reason, he would always have a peace of mind in front of this person.
He stretched out his hand and removed a piece of leaf from the tombstone, he then smiled towards the person in the picture, he said, “I’m here to visit you again, is it too early at this hour?”
The person in the picture could not answer him. After he stood silently for a while, Luo Shaoheng simply found a place to sit. He said as cleared the young grass that had newly emerged at the front of the tombstone, “It has been half a year since I came to visit you, even the grass has grown up. I came too often last time and someone told me that it will disturb your peace of mind, I believe in that. I’m scared that you’re not living well over there because of me, so I started to come less often. But I don’t even know if it’s right or wrong.”
“I’ve been dreaming about you for a long time. You must be curious about what I’ve been dreaming about, right?” After clearing the grass, Luo Shaoheng crossed his legs while sitting, he did not mind the sand and dust on the floor, he said like they were chatting a long time ago, “I said I’ve been dreaming about it for a long time, but I actually can’t really remember how long it was, probably since you left. It has been too long that I can’t differentiate what’s the dream and what’s the reality anymore.”
“But being able to dream about you is something good, right. What if I forget about how you look like someday?” Luo Shaoheng stretched out his hand and caressed the black and white picture of Shen Mucheng on the tombstone. He smiled, “If I forget you, will you blame me? And what about you, have you forgotten about me?”
The person in the picture did not have any facial expression, he could not hear what Luo Shaoheng was saying, it was even impossible for him to answer.
Luo Shaoheng did not mind it as well, he still said as he wanted, “I don’t even know if you’re annoyed when I talk to you about this every time. But stay annoyed, I can’t hear it anyways. I always imagine, maybe I will see you back home when I push open the door someday. But it’s impossible as I think about it, it has been so many years, how would you still remember the way back home?”
Luo Shaoheng stopped at that point, as if he was waiting for an answer. He looked at the person in the picture stubbornly, just like how he looked at him many years ago.
Rays of sunlight were blocked behind the dark clouds, the atmosphere in the cemetery was unexpectedly depressing, it was forcefully heavy. Being separated from life and death was probably the furthest distance in this world, the person he looked forward to would never answer him anything anymore.
After a long while of silence, a crack could be finally seen on Luo Shaoheng’s calm expression, the smile on his face slowly converged, he looked at Shen Mucheng quietly, he said with difficulties, “Did you really forget? Is that the reason why you didn’t come back for so many years.”
The surrounding was quiet, what answered him was the deep, hoarse sound of the wind in the cemetery. It whined and sounded like it was crying.
Luo Shaoheng depicted the picture on the tombstone in detail using his fingers, slight trembles could be seen through his fingertips. The sorrow from his eyes was as if it was flowing out, “Shen Mucheng, if I had gone with you that year, do you think I would be happier?” He supported himself with one hand, tilted his body forward and left a light kiss on the black and white photo of Shen Mucheng. He then leant against the tombstone, slowly closed his eyes and said lightly, “But you won’t know how unbearable it is for me to be left alone for the rest of my life.”
I’ve spent ten years waiting for you, but it felt like I have been waiting my whole life.