DIHBSG chapter 19

Song Jian failed to buy a single piece of fruit and returned to the palace with three roasted chickens.

He first went back to the Tiancha Division to deliver two of them to Chang Ying and the others, mooched another little drumstick while he was there, and only then headed straight for the imperial study.

As Song Jian walked along nibbling on the drumstick, the aroma of roasted chicken followed him all the way. Just as he passed a corner of one palace courtyard, someone suddenly jumped out in front of him.

“This tree was planted by me! This road was opened by me!”

Song Jian: “?”

“If you want to pass this road…”

The masked young woman thought for a moment.

“Leave behind your roasted chicken!”

Song Jian took the drumstick out of his mouth and said seriously, “Princess, robbery is against the law even inside the palace.”

As soon as Xiao Yongning heard that, she hurriedly covered her face and backed away.

“You’re talking nonsense! This princess isn’t a princess!”

“…”

Song Jian blankly chewed twice more. After a while, he asked,

“You want to eat roasted chicken?”

Xiao Yongning swallowed.

“It’s not that I want to eat it. Xiaosage wants to eat it.”

The two confronted each other for a while, neither drawing swords nor cocking crossbows.

Song Jian said, “But this roasted chicken was bought for His Majesty.”

Hearing that, Xiao Yongning visibly deflated. After thinking for a while, she simply pulled off the cloth covering her face, ran over, and took out a pile of jewelry from her robes to give him.

“Then take me with you the next time you leave the palace.”

Song Jian: “Huh?”

Xiao Yongning said, “That’s still not enough?! These are all this princess’s favorite pieces of jewelry!”

She clenched both hands for a moment. As though making up her mind, she pulled a hairpin from her hair.

“I’ll give you this too. Lord Song, I know this roasted chicken came from Zuixian Tower. This princess isn’t asking for much. I just want you to take me with you to eat the next time you leave the palace. Please, please, please.”

Before Song Jian could agree, an anxious voice suddenly came from the other side.

“Princess! Princess, where have you run off to again?!”

Xiao Yongning hurriedly covered her face again, left behind the words, “It’s a deal! I’ll come find you!” and then darted around another path and ran off, leaving only Song Jian standing there holding the roasted chicken and a pile of jewelry with a bewildered expression.

Of course Song Jian couldn’t accept the princess’s jewelry, but since she had already disappeared without a trace, he could only put it away for the time being.

Because of this little incident on the way, it was already dark by the time Song Jian reached the imperial study.

Carrying the roasted chicken inside, he was greeted on both sides by piles upon piles of green fruits stacked throughout the palace courtyard.

Shaking his head, Song Jian clicked his tongue.

These weren’t fruit at all. They were all social etiquette, official careers, and reputations.

Before he even entered, he heard Gong Defu say from inside,

“Your Majesty, Lord Qi of the Ministry of Revenue has also sent over a crate of fruit.”

Song Jian: “…”

I’m standing in line, holding my bribery ticket.

Xiao Yinghuai’s ears had practically grown calluses from hearing these words. Holding a scroll in his hand, he didn’t even raise his eyelids.

Gong Defu withdrew. As soon as he turned around, he ran into Song Jian.

Startled, he patted his chest.

“Oh my, Lord Song, you’ve returned.”

Only then did Xiao Yinghuai raise his eyes.

He saw the person at the doorway stuffing an oil-paper package into Gong Defu’s arms while saying,

“This one’s mine. Remember to make a note of it later. Lord Song of the Tiancha Division also presented something.”

Gong Defu exchanged a glance with the emperor behind the imperial desk and coughed awkwardly.

“Um… Your Majesty…”

Clack.

Xiao Yinghuai tossed the book aside.

Gong Defu was so frightened that he jolted, nearly dropping to his knees on the spot and crying, “Your Majesty, spare my life!”

Xiao Yinghuai said, “A single offhand remark from me was enough to send the entire court scrambling. I despise this kind of unhealthy practice.”

This time, Gong Defu didn’t nearly kneel—he directly knelt, and even pulled Song Jian down with him.

“Your Majesty, calm your anger!”

Song Jian was pressed down by Gong Defu with a thump before he even realized what was happening.

Only then did the man before him say,

“Not only has Lord Song failed to set an example, he has even followed along in these crooked practices.”

Xiao Yinghuai said, “Drag him out.”

Song Jian: “??”

Huh?

Huh??

Drag him where?

The commander of the Imperial Guards, Zhen Fang, walked in from outside and extended his round hand toward him.

Only then did Song Jian realize the seriousness of the situation. Imitating Gong Defu, he cried,

“Your Majesty, calm your anger! This subordinate knows he was wrong!”

Xiao Yinghuai said, “Is that so?”

Song Jian nodded wildly.

Slowly rubbing the thumb ring on his thumb, Xiao Yinghuai said, “If you don’t want to be dragged out, then I will give you a second choice.”

“Go back to the Tiancha Division and receive thirty lashes.”

Song Jian: “…”

“One, or two?”

After trembling for quite a while, Song Jian forced a single word out through clenched teeth.

“…Two.”

Damn it, why does this dog emperor want my life every single day?

At Zuixian Tower, sweep away hunger and become yourself again.

Back in the palace, sweep away life and become a corpse again.

Damn iiiiiit!!

And roasted chicken is so delicious!! I brought one for you and you’re still unhappy! Even when the princess wanted one, I didn’t give it to her!!!

Just as Song Jian was about to be dragged away, a young eunuch suddenly ran in.

“Your Majesty! Your Majesty!”

The young eunuch was Gong Defu’s apprentice, Xiao Wuzi. Seeing this, Gong Defu hurriedly scolded him,

“Why are you so flustered before His Majesty? What happened?”

Xiao Wuzi shrank back timidly.

“S-someone reported that the Grand Princess is missing.”

Tilting his head back, Song Jian saw a young woman outside pacing anxiously with tears in her eyes. He immediately raised his hand.

“Your Majesty! I-I-I! I know where the princess is!”

Ignoring him, Xiao Yinghuai asked Xiao Wuzi, “When did she disappear?”

“Not long ago.”

Song Jian waved his hand, trying to get noticed.

“Me! Me!”

“Have you searched?”

Song Jian raised his left hand: “Me~”

“We’ve searched quite a few places.”

Song Jian raised his right hand: “Me~”

Only then did Xiao Yinghuai look at him.

Seeing this, Song Jian immediately straightened his back.

Xiao Yinghuai said: “Why are you everywhere?”

Song Jian looked very innocent.

“Go.”

Song Jian asked, “Th-then can this subordinate make up for his mistake with this merit? Can I choose neither option?”

Xiao Yinghuai: “…”

He waved a hand.

The person kneeling on the ground happily got up and ran outside.

Danluo looked somewhat frightened when she saw him.

“L-Lord Song…”

As Song Jian strode out, he said, “I know where your princess is. She just ran off behind Jinglong Garden. I’ll take you to find her.”

Danluo hesitantly took two steps.

Seeing this, Song Jian pulled out the jewelry Xiao Yongning had stuffed into his robes.

“These were all given to me by your princess. Remember to return them to her later.”

Danluo looked them over and saw that they were indeed all there. Only then did she nod and follow him, “Mhm!!”

Watching the two of them leave, Xiao Yinghuai casually asked, “Who was it that came?”

Xiao Wuzi replied, “Your Majesty, it was the Eldest Princess’s personal palace maid, Danluo.”

Hearing that name, Xiao Yinghuai paused.

Danluo.

Danluo.

…?

He suddenly remembered the poem the person beside him had recited during the Mid-Autumn Palace Banquet that day.

—Like eating Little Bear biscuits, like Palace maid Xiaodan.

Heh.

So that was it?

Xiao Yinghuai’s gaze swept outward again.

No wonder he’d given her so many hairpins and jewelry. No wonder he’d asked me for a reward—for gold beans.

Xiao Yinghuai was so angry that he laughed.

The next day, an imperial decree was issued throughout the court announcing that the palace would be holding a Fruit Banquet. Not a single official who had presented fruit was allowed to be absent.

On the way back from court, a group of officials gathered together.

“Since His Majesty is hosting a banquet for the civil and military officials, His Majesty must have been in an excellent mood recently. It seems Lord Song’s information was correct.”

“After all, Lord Song is His Majesty’s closest shadow guard.”

“Indeed. Although there were misunderstandings before, it now seems that Lord Song’s place in His Majesty’s heart remains irreplaceable.”

“Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.”

They all burst into hearty laughter.

That evening, at the Hundred Fruits Banquet, the officials who had laughed found themselves staring thoughtfully at the dishes placed before them.

Stir-fried fruit with Chinese bayberries.

Fruit in fermented rice wine.

Fruit pickled in vinegar.

Sour grapes tossed with fruit.

…

Resting his cheek on one hand, Xiao Yinghuai said,

“My beloved ministers, there’s no need to stand on ceremony. Please enjoy yourselves.”

The officials looked at each other.

One who was particularly experienced at flattering first cupped his hands.

“Many thanks, Your Majesty.”

He picked up a piece of fruit and ate it.

The next second—

“Sluuuurp—”

The other officials all jumped in fright, thinking the fruit had attacked him inside his mouth.

Xiao Yinghuai asked unhurriedly,

“My beloved minister, how does it taste?”

“Slurp—G-good.”

Xiao Yinghuai said,

“Good, you like it, then eat more.”

The next day at court—

“Slurp…”

“Sluuuurp~~~~”

Amid the chorus of slurping sounds echoing through the Golden Throne Hall, a young official dressed in a crimson robe stepped forward.

“Your Majesty, slurp… this minister has something to report. Slurp, slurp…”

Looking at him, Xiao Yinghuai calmly remarked with hidden sarcasm,

“Could it be that Minister Lin has sores in his mouth?”

Lin Hechang: “…”

Only after eating two jin¹2 jin = 1 kilogram ≈ 2.2 pounds (lb) of sour fruit did he finally understand the deeper meaning behind the emperor’s words, and despair for his official career washed over him.

He slurped twice more.

“Thank you for Your Majesty’s concern. This humble minister doesn’t have sores in his mouth. It’s just… just that my teeth are a little sore. It’s nothing serious.”

Xiao Yinghuai chuckled softly and looked at the other slurping officials.

“And what about my other beloved ministers?”

The slurping immediately stopped.

Xiao Yinghuai said lightly,

“Then it seems none of you have any serious problems.”

He gestured.

“Speak.”

Only then did Lin Hechang begin.

“Your Majesty, recently Changning has been experiencing continuous rainfall and is about to enter the flood season…”

…

That very night, Gong Defu returned the roast chicken Song Jian had presented to the emperor, saying it was His Majesty’s reward. Song Jian happily accepted it, then immediately turned around and gave the roast chicken to Danluo, asking her to take it back for Xiao Yongning to eat.

Perhaps because she had become hooked on it, that evening when Song Jian went on duty, Xiao Yongning stopped him again on the palace road in front of Jinglong Garden.

Song Jian said: “Princess, I didn’t buy roasted chicken today.”

Xiao Yongning replied: “I’m not here to talk about that. Someone reserved the Heaven No. 1 private room at Zuixian Tower. They’re treating. Are you going?”

Song Jian: “???”

The one that costs thirty-eight taels a night??

He immediately leaned closer.

“When?”

Xiao Yongning replied: “Tomorrow afternoon!”

Song Jian said: “I’m going!”

The next day, Song Jian once again came before the emperor to request permission to leave the palace.

Without even looking at him, Xiao Yinghuai casually asked, “The reason?”

Song Jian rubbed his index fingers together.

“Um…”

“This subordinate is leaving the palace to keep an eye on a bad person.”

Xiao Yinghuai asked: “What bad person?”

Song Jian thought for a moment: “His Highness Prince Xian.”

…

Song Jian knew this trick worked well.

Prince Xian acted suspiciously every day and never seemed to do anything decent. With how suspicious that dog emperor was, he must have harbored doubts long ago.

This excuse was just too useful.

After Xiao Yongning disguised herself, the two of them left the palace and headed straight for Zuixian Tower.

The Heaven No. 1 private room was on the third floor. As they went upstairs, Song Jian quietly asked,

“Your Highness Princess, who’s treating us?”

Xiao Yongning said: “You’ll know once we get there.”

Soon they reached the third floor.

Xiao Yongning pushed the door open.

Song Jian poked his head inside.

“Oh, Lord Song. Long time no see.”

The bad guy, Xiao Da, smiled and waved at him.

“?”

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  2 jin = 1 kilogram ≈ 2.2 pounds (lb)