NB Chapter68

I feel as though I am the unluckiest person on the face of the earth.

If I had the time, I would recount every single day from my childhood to the present, searching for whatever evil deed I committed to deserve such retribution. Was it stepping on too many ants or failing to save the earthworms stranded on the roadside after the rain that caused me, even after being granted a new life, to still be followed by this pervert, having every inner thought overheard?

God as my witness, I thought he was dead; that was the only reason I poured my heart and soul out to the younger Zhang Mingsheng. The day he jumped into the ocean, I even shed a tear for him.

Exactly when did he return? Was it him from the very beginning?

I gripped the knife in my hand, thinking: Today, I will either kill him or use this blade to dig a grave for myself and lie down in it to end this once and for all.

But my habitual self-mockery did nothing to comfort my trembling hands, and my forehead throbbed relentlessly. I took one last look at the engraving on the tombstone, leaned against it, and slowly stood up with my right hand still clutching the hilt. I am no longer the Yu Huaiqing whose legs were chained. It’s actually quite funny when I think about it: I once was hidden beneath Yu Huaiqing, but now Yu Huaiqing is hidden inside my heart like a wound that was just beginning to heal, suddenly catching sight of the very dagger that carved it just as a thin scab began to form.

I looked at Zhang Mingsheng. He was expressionless, simply standing there waiting for my answer.

A fine drizzle fell, slanting in the wind, brushing coolly against my face.

I spoke, “Yes, I know everything. I know you think you understand this person perfectly, which is why you sound so certain.”

I took a step forward, closing the distance between us, and continued, “I know you don’t understand a thing about liking someone or what love is, which is why you always sound so uncertain.”

Standing only inches away, I kept my gaze fixed on his pupils; they remained cold and composed.

With my nose nearly touching his, I could even feel his breath. I whispered, “I also know that you actually have no idea what you want, so you will never be satisfied.”

“It’s exactly because I’m not satisfied,” he suddenly spoke up, “that I will never be satisfied.”

In the next second, his hand clamped onto my face, his grip tight and painful. His lips came down urgently; they were cold as they pressed against mine with rough, clumsy desperation.

Without a moment’s hesitation, I raised my hand and brought it down. The tip of the blade pierced through his clothes and sank into his body.

It was slightly below the shoulder; it wouldn’t be fatal.

I saw the change in his pupils with absolute clarity. Surprise, pain, confusion—all the emotions I had never seen him display suddenly coalesced in his eyes. His body jerked as if hit by an electric current. He released me abruptly, stumbled back half a step, and doubled over while clutching his chest, gasping for air.

I stared blankly at the tip of the knife; there was only a thin layer of blood on it.

Why was his reaction so intense? This wasn’t his first time after all.

When Zhang Mingsheng looked up again, I suddenly realized the rims of his eyes were red. I had never seen his eyes moist, let alone seen him shed tears. But his eyes had indeed turned watery in an instant with the area around them flushed red. He kept his mouth open as if he couldn’t keep breathing any other way.

He gasped for air, his voice weak and low as he said, “…He did the very thing I wanted to do most.”

“What?” I frowned, my suspicion growing at his sudden change.

If this were in the past, I certainly would have rushed forward to support him. However, this is only the first year of my “once bitten, twice shy” era; I would rather go against my conscience and watch from a distance.

“I wanted to know why you saved me too,” he said with his hand still pressed to his chest. “I wanted to know if you would still have saved me if you had known I was this kind of person.”

“Do you have to view everyone who saves you with such suspicion and put them to the test?” I suddenly felt very weary. “Is it just because of that? Zhang Mingsheng, I really don’t know what you mean. I did like you. At first, it was just attraction, but later, as I thought it through on my own, it seemed to turn into love. I admit it; I love you, because I suddenly realized we’ve been entangled for far too long. I’ve hated you too much, and been drawn to you too much, and when that intersected with that small trace of original affection, I had to admit that I love you.”

I tossed the knife aside, letting it clatter to the ground, and said, “But you aren’t good enough to me, Zhang Mingsheng. You hurt me. Why did you treat me like that? Is it just because you wanted to? Just because you say, ‘that’s the kind of person you are,’ you wanted to use all of this to tell me… It’s as if I were your whetstone, but I don’t even know what you’re trying to prove by tormenting me.”

“Maybe I could give you a few chances. Maybe you think we can start over, and maybe you think that because you’re here and I’m here, we can keep playing this little game of cat and mouse.” I looked at Zhang Mingsheng, noting the unexpected weakness in him.

I said, “What you give and what I want are very similar, but they are not the same.”

“We will never start over, but I won’t kill you again either, because I am letting you go.” I said, turning to leave.

“You say you’re letting me go… what does that mean?” Zhang Mingsheng’s tone sounded like that of a resentful child. “Did you ever even think about holding on to me?”

I ignored him and kept walking.

Behind me, he suddenly shouted, “I should have just dragged you back from the very beginning!”

A surge of rage rose within me. I spun around and yelled back, refusing to back down, “Fine, go ahead and try. Zhang Mingsheng, look at me. Look at me now and then think back to what I used to be, neither human nor ghost. Do you really think I’d ever give you that chance? Not a chance!”

I had never roared at him like this before; I glared at him until my eyes ached. “Zhang Mingsheng, do you know? I don’t even need you to change. I don’t need you to repent and turn over a new leaf because I don’t hold a single expectation for you.”

His brow was furrowed, and the corners of his eyes were red; it was the most human he had looked in all the years I had known him.

But he didn’t continue to clash with my anger. Under my gaze, his bizarre physical reaction seemed to gradually subside. He straightened his body to meet my eyes and, like a machine rebooting, fell into silence.

After a long silence, with the rain already soaking my face, I heard him say, “At first, I just wanted to keep you. Later, I realized that even when you were lying right next to me, I still felt a sense of loss.”

He said, “I don’t know if this is love.”

“It doesn’t matter what it is,” I said, my damp eyes wide and unblinking as I stared him down, curling my trembling fingers into my palms. “I won’t forgive you. You’d better hate me too.”

I took half a step back, turned my body away, and cast one final look at him. “But if you do love me, Zhang Mingsheng, I think… I have at least possessed half of the life I wanted.”

This time, I was determined to leave. I turned around without hesitation and strode forward.

After a few steps, I heard no footsteps chasing after me. I could hear my own rapid heartbeat nearly hammering through my chest. If I had the choice, I would never see him again for the rest of my life.

But, as always, he refused to let me have my way.

From a distance, I heard Zhang Mingsheng shout behind me, “I didn’t kill those people!”

There, amidst countless tombstones, trees, and green grass, he spoke of his crimes plainly for the first time.

“I only… gave them some choices.”

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