EOD Chapter47

They say that people selectively forget unpleasant memories. Lu Zhao believed this implicitly, because he found that as long as he didn’t allow himself to think about them, he could act as though certain things had never happened at all.

And so, he filled every single crack of his life with a citrus scent, chewing over the beautiful moments again and again while deliberately ignoring the cruel ones. It was as if time had never moved forward, and he was forever lingering in that golden, glittering autumn, running and leaping amidst a mountain of orange.

In truth, the plot of the story was very simple, still following the same old cliche. Yet, a dysfunctional family; a trope and background so utterly overused in works of art, felt no different from a bloody, piercing wound when it actually landed on an ordinary child.

His father’s orchard carried the most blissful part of Lu Zhao’s childhood memories. His father was honest and dutiful, while his mother was glamorous and elegant. According to others, Lu Zhao’s mother, Mei Shuting, had no shortage of outstanding suitors when she was young, and no one knew why Lu Cheng, who wasn’t tall, rich, or handsome, had managed to win the beauty’s hand. Whenever the fruit farmers brought up this topic, Lu Zhao would harbor the exact same question.

He had many questions, and most of the ones that truly bothered him stemmed from Mei Shuting.

Mei Shuting and Lu Zhao’s father, Lu Cheng, belonged to completely different worlds. She could play the pipa, but Lu Cheng would say she sounded like she was fluffing cotton. She liked Dostoevsky, but Lu Cheng could only mispronounce the name as Tesla’s co-driver. However, none of this stopped Lu Cheng from doting on Mei Shuting like the palm of his hand. He was completely compliant and yielding to her, even though Mei Shuting was always solemn and unsmiling toward him; the two of them looked very much like “The Scatterbrain and the Grump.”

They certainly looked like a married couple, but Lu Zhao didn’t really look like Mei Shuting’s son.

One day after school, Lu Cheng was making a delivery and couldn’t pick Lu Zhao up in time. Lu Zhao sat at the school gates until dusk before deciding to walk home by himself.

His home was quite far from the school. By the time Lu Zhao made it back, it was already 7:30 PM. The summer sun set late, and right before the last trace of twilight vanished completely, Lu Zhao discovered that Mei Shuting was actually at home. She was sitting on the piano bench reading a book, having forgotten to turn on the lights.

Just as she had forgotten to turn on the lights, she had also forgotten to pick Lu Zhao up from school.

This was no isolated incident either; this kind of “forgetting” and “neglect” had run through Lu Zhao’s life ever since he was old enough to understand things.

Perhaps it was because Mei Shuting had too many other things going on in her life. Not only did she play the pipa and read, but she also went out shopping, gathered with friends, attended yoga classes, and for a period of time, was even studying for some certificate. Her life was incredibly full; so full that it was as if Lu Zhao, her son, didn’t even exist. Yet, she didn’t completely wash her hands of him either; she signed Lu Zhao up for piano lessons, which was the only time Lu Zhao felt he actually appeared in his mother’s eyes.

Most of the time, Lu Zhao was like a transparent person to Mei Shuting.

Because of this, Lu Zhao was very “mischievous” as a child, because he would deliberately make noise or cause trouble just to draw his mother’s attention; even though the one he ended up drawing over was always his father.

Lu Zhao doodled stick figures on his sheet music and intentionally left the pages on the piano stand. Mei Shuting noticed them, but that was all; she simply saw them and nothing more.

His mother never hugged, kissed, nor scolded him.

When Lu Zhao was young, every time he saw his primary school classmates’ mothers picking them up from school, fussing over them with warmth, or even nagging and scolding them, he would wonder if Mei Shuting’s maternal love just took on a different shape; this was how Lu Zhao comforted himself. Perhaps love had more than one form of expression. One couldn’t simply declare that she didn’t love him just because she neglected and ignored him; that would be far too hasty a conclusion.

It wasn’t until the birth of Yi Yang that Lu Zhao realized his mother’s love wasn’t all that unfathomable. In fact, it was showered upon Yi Yang in a manner that was all too conventional and easy to understand, making Lu Zhao feel that it was his past self who had been far too hasty.

Nonetheless, before the age of seven, Lu Zhao had a father who doted on him completely. Although Lu Cheng was a bit of a rough-hewn man who would only say “My son is awesome” when he saw Lu Zhao winning awards at school, whenever Lu Zhao frowned over not being able to play the piano well, Lu Cheng would secretly make funny faces at him. He would carry Lu Zhao to the back hills to pick oranges, teach him how to climb trees, and gift Lu Zhao piano scores, putting on the airs of a cultured man to write on the title page: “Presented to Zhaozhao, may every year be like today, and may every age bring this very moment.”

A few osmanthus trees were planted on the back hills. When autumn arrived and the osmanthus bloomed, the older sisters working in the orchard would pick the blossoms to make osmanthus cakes for him to eat.

Almost all of Lu Zhao’s childhood was soaked in the orange juice of his father’s orchard; bright, warm, and brimming with vitality.

Until one perfectly ordinary afternoon, when Lu Zhao returned home, only to be hurriedly scooped up by relatives covered in tears and snot and driven together in a car straight to the hospital.

That day could only be described as utter chaos. Everything happened too fast; before Lu Zhao could even process what was happening, he was already at the hospital. Through the haze, he caught one final glimpse of his father; through the haze, he watched a white sheet being drawn over him; and through the haze, he felt relatives, drenched in tears and sweat, shaking him back and forth.

“Is there something wrong with this kid? His dad died in a car accident, so why isn’t he crying at all?”

“Old Lu treated you well for nothing. You and that mother of yours are both cold-blooded animals!”

“Was Zhaozhao frightened? The child is still small, stop putting him through this.”

“You and your mother are both financial drains! Do you have any idea how many years of silent grievances your dad had to swallow?!”

Strangely enough, amidst the sea of weeping, Lu Zhao filtered out a few lines of heavily loaded information. These words seemed vague and secretive on the surface, but in reality, they left a trail of clues. Lu Zhao had heard them from the neighbors before, and his relatives had brought them up plenty of times. Back then, whenever Lu Cheng found out, he would only tell him to pay no mind and ignore it. Now that Lu Cheng was gone, it was like a floodgate had burst open; the idle gossip resembled a river, converging straight into Lu Zhao’s ears.

During the funeral, Lu Zhao pieced the fragmented information together into a truth that, while shocking, made perfect sense.

During her university days, Mei Shuting only discovered she was pregnant after breaking up with her boyfriend. The man shirked his responsibility and fled, leaving Mei Shuting, whose body was unsuited for an abortion, to face it alone. The news of her pregnancy caused a massive uproar, and she was ultimately expelled from the school.

While she was pregnant, Lu Cheng was the only one who stayed by her side through thick and thin. He was Mei Shuting’s high school classmate, but he hadn’t made it into a good university, entering the business world right after graduation instead. He was the least conspicuous among Mei Shuting’s many suitors. In the end, without anyone knowing who brought it up first, the two of them got married when Mei Shuting was three months pregnant.

At first, Lu Cheng’s relatives and friends simply thought he was incredibly lucky to marry such a beautiful wife. It was only later, when Mei Shuting gave birth prematurely, coupled with certain rumors, that everyone realized the honest guy had taken the fall for someone else’s pregnancy. From then on, they never gave Mei Shuting a pleasant look.

And with that, Lu Zhao also came to understand why his mother had never liked him.

To the Mei Shuting who once had a bright future ahead of her, Lu Zhao’s arrival had not only ruined her future but had also cut off all her hopes for love, standing as a testament to an ignoble past.

After Lu Cheng passed away, Mei Shuting actually agreed to take Lu Zhao with her. The certificate she had been studying for finally came through, and she managed to secure a decent job. That brief period of depending on each other with his mother left Lu Zhao feeling both anxious and happy, even if it only lasted for two short months before Mei Shuting found a boyfriend.

The first time he met Yi Mingjian, Lu Zhao had no idea that this man would become his stepfather in the future. Lu Zhao simply seized every bit of time and opportunity to study hard, hoping to draw Mei Shuting’s attention back to him. However, things gradually spiraled out of his control. Mei Shuting and Yi Mingjian fell in love, got married, had a child, and immigrated to Country M. Everything happened so quickly; so quickly that before Lu Zhao even had the chance to become the ideal version of himself, Yi Yang was born.

Lu Cheng hadn’t even been dead for a full year. Only then did Lu Zhao truly understand that both his father and he were nothing but burdens to Mei Shuting.

Lu Zhao understood his own position, so he didn’t go to Country M with Mei Shuting, choosing instead to only go over and stay during winter and summer vacations. Within the world of their family of three, he was like a hermit crab, shrinking into his tiny shell, watching their domestic bliss and witnessing their deep mother-son affection.

Lu Zhao truly couldn’t bring himself to love Yi Yang, especially after seeing Mei Shuting’s meticulous care for him. Yet, Yi Yang was unexpectedly attached to his older brother, following him wherever he went. At first, Lu Zhao simply ignored him, but from a certain day onward, Lu Zhao suddenly began to show Yi Yang the utmost care and concern.

That day, Yi Yang had broken his own toy. Lu Zhao originally intended to sit back and do nothing, but seeing him cry so miserably, Lu Zhao showed mercy and fixed it for him. This tiny gesture earned him praise from Mei Shuting.

“Yangyang, learn more from your brother. Don’t just know how to cry all day.” Lu Zhao had overheard Mei Shuting saying this to Yi Mingjian.

At the time, Lu Zhao thought to himself: That’s because crying works for Yi Yang, but crying is useless for me.

Lu Zhao began to redouble his kindness toward Yi Yang, even though he disliked Mei Shuting kissing and hugging Yi Yang, disliked Mei Shuting spoiling Yi Yang in every possible way, disliked Mei Shuting’s nagging before Yi Yang’s school trips along with the small backpack stuffed full of snacks and disliked even more the way Mei Shuting would occasionally get angry and lose her temper at Yi Yang.

It was also during this time that Lu Zhao noticed he possessed a desire for control over Mei Shuting that he hadn’t even realized himself, but he hid it all very well. Lu Zhao became inseparable from Yi Yang, while studying even more desperately to get into medical school, simply because doing so could pull a bit of Mei Shuting’s attention away.

However, this kindness seemed to be misunderstood by Yi Yang.

When Yi Yang was in junior high, he would constantly cling to Lu Zhao and insist on sleeping in the same bed. Lu Zhao’s rejections were futile, so they ended up sharing a room every summer vacation. Gradually, Lu Zhao started to dislike Yi Yang less. If things had kept developing this way, a harmonious relationship between brothers would have been quite nice, but who could have known that Yi Yang would veer off course?

Lu Zhao had known since high school that he was attracted to the same sex. He dated his first boyfriend, who was a junior at his school in university. One day, as the two of them were returning to the dorms together, Yi Yang, who had returned to the country to look for Lu Zhao, caught sight of their intimate behavior. Yi Yang didn’t say anything to their faces and remained perfectly polite, but no one knew what he said to the junior behind Lu Zhao’s back, because Lu Zhao and the guy broke up just a few days later.

Afterward, Lu Zhao went to settle the score with Yi Yang, only for the newly high school-aged Yi Yang to actually confess his feelings to Lu Zhao.

Lu Zhao punched him straight in the face.

Lu Zhao thought Yi Yang was just young and inexperienced, having misunderstood his own emotions. He never expected this affection to be so obsessive and long-lasting. Harassed to the point of utter exasperation, Lu Zhao decided to delete Yi Yang from his contacts. That day, Yi Yang told Lu Zhao that their parents were constantly fighting at home and were likely getting a divorce, causing him an immense amount of stress. He then sent over a depression assessment report. Lu Zhao didn’t dare delete him after that, fearing he might do something foolish.

This delicate and balanced relationship was maintained all the way until Lu Zhao graduated from university and started working. Yi Yang returned to the country to attend high school and lived at Lu Zhao’s place. After Lu Zhao warned him not to cross the line, he didn’t make any more strange moves.

Mei Shuting and Yi Mingjian did end up divorcing eventually. Once Lu Zhao reached adulthood, he no longer flew to Country M on a regular basis. After becoming a doctor, he transferred his desire for control onto the operating table, using his knowledge and experience to complete one perfect surgery after another, which brought him another immense sense of achievement. This same sense of achievement could also be gained from playing the piano. Work, papers, working out, and playing the piano gradually turned Lu Zhao into a wound-up little tin soldier, forming a strictly conventional trajectory of life. He was accustomed to being in control, and as for anything that exceeded his manageable limits, he stayed far away from it without exception.

Lu Zhao thought his obsession with his mother had been washed away by time until it was very, very faint, but one day, a series of unexpected events occurred, reducing everything back to its original state.

That day, right after school, Yi Yang picked Mei Shuting up from the airport, and the two headed to the hospital to find Lu Zhao, only to walk straight into a medical dispute in progress. A completely ordinary-looking man suddenly turned violent and lunged to stab Lu Zhao. Yi Yang rushed over to block the blow, but in that split second; whether out of sheer habit or because Mei Shuting was present, Lu Zhao instinctively reached out his hand to intercept. In an instant, his vision was filled with blood.

After the surgery, Lu Zhao lay in bed. The first thing he saw upon waking from the anesthesia was Mei Shuting sitting by his bedside, wiping away tears.

This is the last time, he thought to himself. This is the absolute last time.

The surgical outcome was highly successful, but it left behind irreversible sequelae. Lu Zhao was no longer fit for the operating table and was transferred to the cardiology department instead; even the piano pieces he played could no longer form a proper melody. Looking at his own hand, Lu Zhao suddenly felt that from childhood to adulthood, not a single thing he had strived for was something he genuinely wanted from the bottom of his heart. Did he love his mother that much? Not necessarily, in truth. Did he like the piano that much? Not really either. And now, there was no longer anything left in this world that he could control.

Ever since his father passed away, his sense of self and happiness had vanished along with him. That phrase, “May every year be like today, and may every age bring this very moment,” had unexpectedly become a wish that could never be fulfilled.

Once his recovery period was over, he set up his very first casual hookup. After helping his partner come, he felt the long-lost sense of control return to his hands once more.

When Yi Yang found out, he introduced him to a technical concept: orgasm control.

“I know you hate me because of Mom; I’ve always known. Perhaps seeing me suffering makes you feel better inside? Your hand is injured, so you have to find a new hobby anyway. Why not use me to practice? Besides, appropriate hand exercises are beneficial for your recovery.” Yi Yang’s self-righteous, patient guidance was actually riddled with chaotic logic and loopholes. To Lu Zhao, it was utterly laughable, yet he did not expose him.

An orgasm control session entirely devoid of lust began and ended in Lu Zhao’s hands. Lu Zhao wiped his hands, viewing this day as a watershed moment, and decided to break clean from the past.

Yi Yang asked Lu Zhao if he was happy. In truth, Lu Zhao could hardly call it happiness; he merely felt a sense of ease and comfort.

He had found a new hobby and excised the tumor he had relied upon to survive. A person always has to step out of their comfort zone. Perhaps there will be new things waiting for him in the future; who could truly tell?