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RA Chapter 47

When Su Beimo returned to the ward, Liao Nanqing was lying quietly.


He sorted out his emotions, walked over and poured out a bowl of hot pine porridge from the thermos. But once he got closer, he realized that Liao Nanqing’s temples were wet and he looked like he was sweating. Su Beimo quickly scrubbed him, changed his medical clothes, and clutched his cold hand into his palm.


“Nanqing, are you uncomfortable?”


Liao Nanqing shook his head as he said, “I’m a little hungry.”


“I’m sorry.” Su Beimo picked him up and let him lean in his arms before he took the bowl of porridge and fed it to him spoon by spoon, blowing it warm.


The taste of pine nut porridge was as mellow as it was at that time, and Liao Nanqing ate it; it was cooked by Su Ya. Only her pine nut porridge tasted like a mother’s, as if she gave him a home. Liao Nanqing silently finished a bowl of pine congee, and wanted to eat another bowl, but found that he could not stuff himself.


His appetite was surprisingly poor, and just one more bite would make him nauseous and want to vomit.


Su Beimo had always been by his side to take care of him, whether he was asleep or awake, Su Beimo was always there. Although Liao Nanqing didn’t say a few words, Su Beimo always said something trivial to him, for fear that he would be bored.


The next day, Ge Yun and Xu Yanyan came.


Ge Yun was a girl; as soon as she entered, she covered her face and began to wipe her tears. Xu Yanyan patted Ge Yun’s shoulder, carrying a fruit basket in his hand. Su Beimo took time to take a shower in the morning in the ward, shaved his beard and changed into clean clothes. Although he still did not look good, but not as unkempt as before.


There was no tea in the ward, so he poured two cups of hot water for Ge Yun and Xu Yanyan.


Ge Yun said while sobbing: “You get better soon, let’s go drink milk tea together. You have to come to class after New Year, okay?”


Liao Nanqing smiled hard at them, the corners of his mouth tugging with pain.


“It’s okay, you just listen, you take a good rest.” Xu Yanyan noticed his inconvenience and hurriedly said.


In the past few days, the two of them followed the search and ran around a lot, and spent a lot of thoughts for Liao Nanqing. Along with that, Ge Yun and Su Beimo’s relationship eased down. The two were afraid of disturbing Liao Nanqing’s rest, so they didn’t stay long.


When Su Beimo sent them out, Ge Yun was afraid that he would not be able to take care of Liao Nanqing continuously, so she thoughtfully asked, “Why don’t I take care of him for a day, seeing that you are quite tired.” Xu Yanyan, next to her, continued: “If you need my help, just call me, winter vacation has started, we both have nothing to do at home. If you can’t do it alone, just call us.”


“No, I’ll be fine on my own.” Su Beimo thanked them, “Thank you for coming to see Nanqing and for helping him so much.”


“What are you thanking us for? We are Nanqing’s friends. It’s you, don’t be exhausted.” Ge Yun’s eyes were red, seeing Su Beimo’s appearance, she was sad, “You are really good to Nanqing, I will never say bad things about you again, I’m sorry.”


“Nothing, sometimes it’s interesting to see him speak for you and eat your vinegar.” Su Beimo made a joke and sent them to the elevator of the hospital and went back.


The window at the end of the corridor was not closed, half-opened. The wind in winter was outrageous and unreasonable, and it ran right against Su Beimo. He shivered, the tip of his teeth cold. It suddenly occurred to him that Liao Nanqing had not bought a winter coat this year. He quickly walked back to the ward, took out his cell phone and looked for a Taobao store to show Liao Nanqing.


“Nanqing, buy you a coat this year. It will wrap you up. It must be warm.” He rubbed his hands, his eyes became more energetic.


Liao Nanqing knew that Su Beimo was afraid that he would think about things so he was always looking for topics to tease him like this.


He was very sad, powerless to say anything. It was only after a long time that he raised his hand and pointed to a black one that was quite ordinary: “I like this one.”


“Okay, let’s buy this one.” Su Beimo neatly took a picture of the size that Liao Nanqing can wear, then touched Liao Nanqing’s head, “It will arrive in a few days, it’s just right to wear it back on the day you go back to City B.”


It was almost New Year, but they would be going back to City B.


“I also…want to go back.” Liao Nanqing said slowly.


Immediately after that, Su Beimo decided and frankly said to him, “Nanqing, after we go back. Let’s go see a psychiatrist, okay?”


Liao Nanqing’s heart suddenly sank to the bottom of the lake, and he looked at Su Beimo dumbly, with a piece of stagnant water in his eyes. Slowly, Liao Nanqing was picking at the sheet with his fingertips. He didn’t dare to use force or loudly. He spoke intermittently, and couldn’t say a complete sentence: “I, I’m not sick…”


Su Beimo’s heart was gripped tight: “Nanqing, we’re just going to take a look. You’ve had a bad experience these days, let’s do a psychotherapy session to soothe it, okay?”


“But…I’m really not sick…” He replied in a mumbling voice. A hint of inexplicable fear flashing in his dazed eyes, repeating, “It’s really not…you believe me, believe me …”


“Nanqing, people who see a psychiatrist are not sick. When there is a lot of psychological pressure, many people will go there. It’s a very normal phenomenon, you’re not sick, it’s not a disease.” Su Beimo affirmed, trying desperately to convince him, “Let’s go once, you always have nightmares, this is not good. A good night’s sleep leads to a good body, right?”




Liao Nanqing’s nails sank into his palm, and he became stubborn, unwilling to listen to Su Beimo’s explanation, frowning and closing his eyes. In the past two days, whenever he closed his eyes, Su Beimo stopped talking. He wasn’t resting well, Su Beimo could see that.


He used to listen to Su Beimo, but now, he was trapped in a dead end, with the endless night sky above him, dead tree branches dancing around like they were trying to tear the bottomless curtain, and thorns under his feet, blocking the exit.


Liao Nanqing insisted that he was not sick.


Su Beimo had no choice, he could not open his mouth a second time.




Every night, Su Beimo slept on a folded bed next to Liao Nanqing’s hospital bed. Worried that Liao Nanqing would wake up in the middle of the night, a light was always left on in the ward. Even though Su Beimo had not been sleeping well, he did not wear eye masks to block the light. He was afraid that he didn’t know when Liao Nanqing woke up so he didn’t relax at all.


At about three-thirty in the morning, the sound of ‘hiss’ came from the hospital bed.


Su Beimo was still awake and got up to look at Liao Nanqing’s side. He was clutching the blanket tightly, his hair was wet against his ears, his chest was heaving, and he was breathing heavily. Like being haunted by a nightmare, Liao Nanqing panted slightly, his cheeks flushed unnaturally.


“Did you have a nightmare?” Su Beimo went over and first used the back of his hand to probe his forehead’s temperature to make sure there was no fever or anything like that before he put his mind at ease. He went to the bathroom to get a towel washed with hot water and came over to wipe Liao Nanqing’s body, “Nanqing, you sit up, let’s change clothes.”


But Liao Nanqing shut his lips tightly and refused to move.




He saw tears in the corner of Liao Nanqing’s eyes, “You go out.”


“What’s wrong with you, Nanqing? Tell me if you don’t feel well, you…”


“Get out.” Liao Nanqing’s voice was hoarse, interspersed with countless particles and pressed with despair. He had never treated Su Beimo with this kind of attitude, but at this moment, he seemed to be a different person. When he saw that Su Beimo was not moving, he became anxious and slapped the bed surface hard without hesitating, “Get out… you get out!”


Su Beimo had no choice, in order to calm down Liao Nanqing, he had to agree with him. In the middle of the night, Su Beimo, who didn’t even put on a coat, was kicked out of the room by Liao Nanqing. The hospital corridor was lit up, and Su Beimo was like a thief sticking to the door of the ward, trying to hear what was going on inside.


A nurse checking the room passed by and looked at him puzzled. Su Beimo said sorry and explained that his brother had thrown him out because of his temper.


The nurse calmly reminded him: “Don’t affect the rest of the patients in the other wards.”


Su Beimo apologized several times in a row before continuing to stick to the door to the room.


Hearing the sound of falling down suddenly, Su Beimo quickly opened the door and went in. But when he saw the scene inside, his heart plunged into a dagger, and within this second, he tore Zhang Yuangang apart in his heart countless times.


Liao Nanqing in front of him fell down and lay on the ground. When looking at him, almost instinctively shrank to the nearest corner, clutching a new hospital gown in his hand for dear life. There was a bandage on his foot, and his inconvenience made his posture weird, like a wounded animal.


Liao Nanqing lowered his head and buried his face into the thin pile of clothes, shame covering all his ability to express himself.


He seemed to be unable to speak, and his teeth were shaking in one place, bumping into each other, forming an invisible echo in his mind.


And on the hospital bed, on the uncovered bedding, was a large water stain.


Even Liao Nanqing’s clothes and pants were stained. Because the heating was on in the ward, the smell of urine was not light, drifting away. Liao Naqing’s lips were pale, and he grasped his arm fearfully. His nails were pinched in, and the pain was ignored.


Su Beimo did not show an expression of surprise or disbelief. He calmly walked over, half squatted down and asked Liao Nanqing in a warm voice: “Let me help you change your clothes first, okay? The doctor said you can’t move around. Did it hurt when you fell just now? Let me see. If it hurts, we have to call the doctor.”


Liao Nanqing raised his eyes timidly, his joints were white, he was shivering, as pitiful as a frightened rabbit: “I’m sorry…”


“It’s okay.” Su Beimo rubbed his head, his tone was gentle, “It’s nothing wrong. There’s no shame in it. It’s winter, you’ll catch a cold in wet clothes. Nanqing, don’t be afraid, I’m not someone else, I’m Su Beimo, I’ve always been good to you, haven’t I?”


Liao Nanqing dropped his eyes, not daring to look at him, and nodded his head obediently.


Su Beimo was given brief permission to gently pick him up and examine his wounds. After making sure he was okay, he helped him take off his clothes and took a basin of hot water to scrub him. Liao Nanqing was a little resistant and numb. He put his legs together, and trembling spread from his toes to the top of his head. Su Beimo took a new hospital gown and put it on him, half-kneeled in front of him, holding his hand: “Are you scared?”




“What are you afraid of?” Su Beimo continued to ask.


A simple question evoked a nightmare that Liao Nanqing did not want to remember. He looked around warily, uneasily trying to escape and unable to run away. He still apologized: “I was wrong, I’m sorry. Step, stepfather, he was going to beat me, I was afraid. I just… I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I caused you trouble again…” He pressed his voice and pinched the corner of his shirt in fear.


“Next time, I won’t do that. Really…”


He dreamed of Zhang Yuangang. He kept running, but was still caught back to the basement. In the dream, Zhang Yuangang teasingly mocked him for wetting his pants. Liao Nanqing held his head for fear of being beaten, reciting that he did not, but the moment Zhang Yuangang’s hand was raised, he really peed his pants.


He was so scared.


He bit his lower lip to bleed and defended himself, “I just had a nightmare, I’m not sick…”


He was actually still having trouble sleeping over the matter of seeing a psychiatrist. He was afraid that in case he was really abnormal, really sick, just as Li Qin and Zhang Yuangang said. At that time, he would only be a burden, a nuisance, and he would crush Su Beimo. Just like when he crushed the Liao family, beyond redemption.


“You’re not sick, it’s not a disease!” Su Beimo cupped his jaw and used the back of his thumb to separate his front teeth, not allowing him to continue hurting his fragile lower lip.


Liao Nanqing opened his mouth in pain and swallowed the blood that tasted like iron flakes.


“Nanqing, listen to me, he is not here. He can never find you again, you are safe. Don’t be afraid, look at me. Look at who I am…” Su Beimo pressed his shoulders and then held his face, forcing Liao Nanqing to look at him.


The bottom of Liao Nanqing’s eyes were full of tears as he choked up and said, “You’re Su Beimo…”


“Yes, it’s me.” Su Beimo clasped him tightly, calm and close to crying in his ear, “Don’t be afraid, Nanqing, I’m by your side, aren’t I?”


Su Beimo was so distressed that he was about to peel his heart out and show it to him一look at it, there’s only you in there, you’re hurting and I’m hurting.


“I’m scared, Su Beimo I’m scared.” Liao Nanqing finally had a response, he also hugged Su Beimo tightly, especially hard. He was afraid that once he let go of Su Beimo, he would not want him. He floated in a bend in the rapids, the waves beat the stubborn rocks, he eagerly reached out to tug on that one straw to save his life.


Withered, weak, disappeared from the fingers without a trace.


“Su Beimo, I’m not sick, I’m really not. You can’t not want me…” he finally got his worries and insecurities out in full. He had made a mistake, he had done the wrong thing, but he just wanted to keep Su Beimo.


Su Beimo shook his head and desperately said: “How could I not want you? Why would you think of me that way?”


Liao Nanqing was in tears.


Su Beimo’s eyelashes were also wet, and he said, “Nanqing, be brave and have faith in me. Please.” If my love is not enough for you to notice, then, day after day, year after year, I will put you on the tip of my heart to write a love word every day until this word is engraved in the heart.


Su Beimo’s eyes were firm and determined.


Liao Nanqing burst into tears, crying like a lost child, tearing his heart out.


When the nurse arrived, Su Beimo was holding Liao Nanqing, holding him in his arms and gently patting his back. Liao Nanqing kept crying, but his voice was much quieter. The nurse frowned: “You’ll affect the rest of the other patients!”


“Sorry, it will be fine in a while. Please go out and close the door.”


The nurse wanted to say something else, but Su Beimo repeated it again, without a trace of slack on his face, and said in a low voice: “Please go out, don’t scare him.” And the Liao Nanqing in his arms sobbed and sobbed, as if to cry out all the grievances held in his heart, and to make a good complaint in front of Su Beimo.



Early in the morning.


Liao Nanqing snuggled into Su Beimo’s arms and the two of them lay on the folding bed. Liao Nanqing lay on Su Beimo’s chest, breathing in his familiar smell, and was relieved and at ease. Liao Nanqing was sleepless that night, he quietly waited for the dawn.


It was not until the first rays of the morning sun fell that he spoke.


“I regard all this as the tribulation before being with you.” Liao Nanqing shed tears, and walked through thousands and thousands of miles alone in his heart, “No matter before, or now, as long as I know you will come to pick me up in the end, I will survive it all.”




“It was really painful when I was going through it and I always think of bad things. My life is like a bottomless pit, like a whirlpool, except for meeting you, no day is bright. The normal road, it’s easy to walk on, but it’s not easy to walk with me. I have no other path, but you do.”


Having rolled around in such a dirty cave, he was a big trouble. Liao Nanqing at that moment, put a label on his life, and he couldn’t get rid of it. He was in pain and despair, afraid that Su Beimo would turn around and leave, and as his stepfather said, he was not wanted.


Repeated condemnation and questioning filled his heart, eating away at his persistence for days.


“The bad road, it’s hard to walk on.” He said again.


Su Beimo asked him, “Is it easy to walk after we separate?”


Liao Nanqing trembled slightly, his eyelashes were like a curtain of rain.


“It’s just as likely to get into trouble, just as likely to get tripped up halfway through, isn’t it? There will always be trouble after trouble, unhappiness, many, many things in life.” Su Beimo wiped away the tears from the corners of his eyes. “But we are different, there are two of us, we can face it together. Nanqing, the road is to walk together, we walk together.”


Su Beimo added, “Don’t leave me behind, I can’t live without you.”


Liao Nanqing closed his eyes, his tears were a torrential rain, silently blocking the wound in his heart. It was purulent and crusted, and it had never been so pleasant, but it also started to itch, a sign that the scab would eventually fall off.


There was no promise that sounded better than this.


Liao Nanqing cried and smiled, particularly unattractive, and said foolishly: “If… if only through all this, through my childhood, through what I am experiencing today, I can be with you. Then a hundred times, a thousand times, countless times…I’m willing to endure it all. As long as you are waiting for me, I can get through it all.”


Su Beimo covered his eyes, he did not want Liao Nanqing to see him crying.


The most sincere age, a love pinched in the hand melted into the palm, into the heart, and no one could clean it out.



And they did not know that Zhao Qin, who was standing outside the door carrying a thermos bottle, suddenly turned around and leaned against the back of the wall, sighing silently.


Under her moist eyes was the gentle relief of a mother.



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  1. Avatar Psyx says:

    ༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽

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